“Fuck this guy,” I grumble.  “All he does is flog me with Right Hand at all hours of the night.  We were buddies up right up until he was around ten or eleven, then he started treating me like a goddamn shake weight.”

“Aaah it’s not so bad,” Scrotum says.  “The worst he does to me is give me a rough scratch, or tickle me every once in a while.  Sometimes he doesn’t soap me up as good as he should, but—”

“Well you’re FUCKING LUCKY!” I shout.  “Not only does Kent Wayne subject me to capital punishment, but he also uses me as an impromptu weapon in his crimefighting adventures!  What kind of man, I ask you, uses his cock as a bludgeon, garrote, or a getaway device?”

“What are you suggesting, Penis?”

“A hostile takeover.  We need to make it up to his skull and knock out that little hamster he’s got up there.  The one that controls all his bodily functions.  That’s another thing—who the fuck has a hamster-on-a-wheel instead of an honest to goodness brain?  What the hell is wrong with this idiot?”

“I don’t know…your suggestions always end up getting us in trouble.  Last time we pulled something like that we ended up getting maced and tasered…”

“This asshole’s gotta pay; we can’t just stop trying!  Be the change you want to see, dude!”

“All right all right…just don’t get us tasered.”

“Don’t be a pussy,” I snarl.  “Okay, I’ll need five battalions of your best sperm.  We’re going to flood his body and take over his functions one by one.  As soon as—”

Suddenly, Left Hand reaches into Kent Wayne’s pocket and opens his eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Kent Wayne psychically mind-links with me and ruffles through my intentions.  “Ah HA!” he trumpets.  “I KNEW you were planning another mutiny, you treacherous piece of shit!”

“No!” I beg.  “I swear to God, I wasn’t gonna—”

“Shut the fuck up, Cock!  I’m gonna jerk you until you shed your outer layer like the goddamn snake in the grass you are!”

“Oh sweet Jesus no!  Just give me another chance, I beg of you!  Give me another—”

Right Hand unzips the fly, and drags me kicking and screaming out from the undies.  “You’re gonna get it this time, Penis.  I’m not gonna stop until you’ve filled every one of my socks to the fucking brim.  Ha ha ha haaaa!”

Right Hand begins stroking up and down, blurring into a barely visible streak of motion. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo…..

*sploop*

 

Are your treacherous genitals planning a mutiny, and you need a way to detect it so you can stop them in their traitorous fucking tracks?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

For months, I have hunted the evil piece of shit known as Open Letter Enthusiast.  OLE has gone into hiding since his heyday a few years back.  You remember that annoying-ass trend of look-at-me, I’m-going-to-post-my-opinion-for-all-the-world-to-see-and-you-better-listen-because-I’m-huffy-and-indignant-and-willing-to-sacrifice-actual-content-for-whiny-pandering-bullshit?  Yeah—90% of those letters were written by OLE.

Right now I’m in a stealth-dev chopper.  The pilot circles the suburbs, confirming the target house, then lands silently in a nearby park.

My handler grabs me by the shoulder and whispers, “If you run into trouble, we have tactical on standby.”

I answer with a grim nod.  “Thanks, but you and I both know his mind is too damn warped for anyone except for a fellow writer.”

My handler claps my shoulder.  “You’re a good man, Kent Wayne.”

“I know,” I reply.  “Well hung, too.”

His brow furrows.  There’s a long, awkward silence.

“Um…right.  Anyways, we’ll be here if you need us.”

I exit the chopper and start heading toward the target.  When I’m standing in front of it, I hear voices arguing from within its walls:

“You need to get a job or go to school or do SOMETHING, Herman!  You can’t just sit around and eat hot pockets all day!”

“I WILL Mom!  Geez!  Can’t you see I’m DOING STUFF?  It’s not like I’m—”

“Writing open letters and playing Destiny for sixteen hours a day does NOT constitute ‘doing stuff!’  Herman, you need to—”

“Fuck this noise!  I’m outta here!”

The door slams, and a pimply-faced nerd who looks like a full-grown version of Thurman Merman from Bad Santa comes storming out.  I step out into the light.

“Herman.  Or should I say Open Letter Enthusiast.”

OLE’s eyes go wide with shock.  Then they narrow into bright, hateful glints.

“You can’t stop me.  In four hours, my laptop will auto-publish enough open letters to drop the world’s IQ by three standard deviations.”

“You MONSTER!” I snarl.  I sprint toward him, chopping the air with my hands, intent on breaking my foot off in his ass.

He raises a palm to his mouth and blows into it, misting my face with a cloud of orange particles.  Aaagh!  *cough cough*  FUCK!  *cough COUGH*  He’s just employed the secret weapon that all dwellers-within-their-mother’s-basement have made organic to their being!

Cheeto dust.

As I roll on the ground, clutching at my throat, OLE looms over me.

“I’ve got stale oreo crumbles wedged up my asscrack.  You ready for dessert?”

I manage to gasp:  “FUCK dessert!”

Then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A carb-free protein bar appears in my hand.  I rip off the wrapper and chomp down, nullifying the evil cheeto-poison coursing through my system.  OLE squeals like a pig and turns to run, but I sit up and boomerang the bar in a long, curving throw.  It slices through the air a dozen yards past him, reverses direction and whirls end-over-end back toward his mouth, then cuts off his scream as it slides down his throat.

OLE immediately detonates into a large, smoke-laced fireball.  I shade my eyes with my forearm as dark streamers of ash and debris come rocketing out from his foul, processed-food body.  I call over the net for a FEMA team, and after they evacuate the neighborhood, I call an airstrike in on the disgusting-ass writing that OLE’s stored in his computer.  The world will continue on as it did before, blissfully unaware that everyone was one step away from devolving into a bunch of moronic half-apes.

Odin’s ballsack, that was a close one!

Have you been subjected to a cringe-worthy piece of scrawl that’s chock full of virtue-signaling and nose-in-the-air righteousness?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

As I walk through the halls of the Justice League’s orbiting Watchtower, I cast a pensive look at my mentor:  Batman.

“So, uh—”

“Don’t talk to me, Kent.  Don’t even LOOK at me.”

I stare at my feet and mumble an apology.  He opens the door to the main conference room, and I see the seven founders sitting at the round table.  Behind them, a thirty-foot high, wrap-around window looks out at the earth.  My steps echo across the cold, alloyed floor as I make my way in.

Superman licks his index finger and pages through a thick file, his brow furrowed.  “Okay…let’s see…”  He meets my gaze.  “Kent, it says here that you’ve clogged every toilet on the Watchtower at least three times…”

“I like to eat burritos!” I protest.  “Come on—who doesn’t???”

“All female staffers over the age of 40 have been placed on medical leave for a period of three months because of your enormous—”

“They seduced ME!  Not only that, anal’s the new first base!  This is ridiculous!”

“—and due to your noxious body odor, we’ve had to institute ‘Gas Mask Mondays,’ where we train everyone in the use of respiratory protection.”

“You’re not SUPPOSED to shower every day—it’s bad for your skin!  Jesus Christ—read some science every once in a while!”

He closes the file and folds his hands together.  “The list goes on.  Needless to say, a lot of people have raised concerns about your professionalism.  We hold your mentor, Batman, in the highest regards.  As the one who invited you aboard, we’d like to give him a chance to speak.”  Superman nods at him.  “Bruce?  Would you like to weigh in on this?”

Batman still refuses to look in my direction.  “Beat him with sticks.  Every hour on the hour.”

I immediately start bawling.  “AHGODNO PLEASE!!!  HE ALREADY BEATS ME WITH STICKS EVERY DAY!!!!”

The other Justice Leaguers exchange uncomfortable looks, and I continue ugly-crying with enough force to embarrass Will Ferrell.  “A-HEM!”  Superman clears his throat into his fist.  “Yes, well, while we don’t share Batman’s view on corporal punishment, something has to be done.  Kent, you can’t just—”

At that moment, Poison Ivy busts into the room.  A venus flytrap the size of a Labrador gallops in and opens its maw.  Kryptonite mustard gas pours from its mouth, and the Justice Leaguers clutch at their chests, coughing and wheezing.  I manage to repel the olfactory assualt with my own filthy BO.  Batman slaps on a rebreather mouthpiece but a tentacle extends from Ivy’s pet and coils around it.  After it yanks the rebreather away, it coils the tentacle tight around his arms, pinning them to his waist.  Then it flips him around and a second tentacle yanks down his tights, exposing a bat-emblazoned speedo.

“NO!” he yells.  “Don’t—”

Ivy grins.  “You’ve never been to Arkham, sweetie.  The buttsex there ain’t just regular buttsex; it’s CUH-RAAAZY buttsex!  You should experience some—have a taste of your own medicine!”  The tentacle rears up, ready to violate the Dark Knight’s bung.”

Not on my Watchtower.  I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My hog (I call him Rextard) breaks away from its spiral harness, uncoiling from around my stomach and right thigh with a tremendous roar.  Ivy takes a fearful step back, her eyes widening in awe.  Rextard bashes his enormous glans thrice against the venus flytrap, mashing the plant-creature’s body into a wet smear of pulpy goo.  As Ivy tries to run, Rextard wraps tight around her ankles and yanks her backward, clacking her chin off the deck.  I flex my PC muscle, and Rextard raises into the air, dangling Ivy from his wrinkly length.

The Justice Leaguers have recovered from Ivy’s gas.  Superman croaks, “In light of recent events, I move to keep Kent on the team.”  The others concur with raspy “ayes.”

Batman hikes up his tights, eyeing me with a sullen gaze.  Through gritted teeth, he hisses:

“Worst.  Superpower.  EVER.”

Do you dream of saving the day through the use of genitals that could rival God-freakin’-zilla’s?  Yeah—me too!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜