As I walk through the halls of the Justice League’s orbiting Watchtower, I cast a pensive look at my mentor: Batman.
“Don’t talk to me, Kent. Don’t even LOOK at me.”
I stare at my feet and mumble an apology. He opens the door to the main conference room, and I see the seven founders sitting at the round table. Behind them, a thirty-foot high, wrap-around window looks out at the earth. My steps echo across the cold, alloyed floor as I make my way in.
Superman licks his index finger and pages through a thick file, his brow furrowed. “Okay…let’s see…” He meets my gaze. “Kent, it says here that you’ve clogged every toilet on the Watchtower at least three times…”
“I like to eat burritos!” I protest. “Come on—who doesn’t???”
“All female staffers over the age of 40 have been placed on medical leave for a period of three months because of your enormous—”
“They seduced ME! Not only that, anal’s the new first base! This is ridiculous!”
“—and due to your noxious body odor, we’ve had to institute ‘Gas Mask Mondays,’ where we train everyone in the use of respiratory protection.”
“You’re not SUPPOSED to shower every day—it’s bad for your skin! Jesus Christ—read some science every once in a while!”
He closes the file and folds his hands together. “The list goes on. Needless to say, a lot of people have raised concerns about your professionalism. We hold your mentor, Batman, in the highest regards. As the one who invited you aboard, we’d like to give him a chance to speak.” Superman nods at him. “Bruce? Would you like to weigh in on this?”
Batman still refuses to look in my direction. “Beat him with sticks. Every hour on the hour.”
I immediately start bawling. “AHGODNO PLEASE!!! HE ALREADY BEATS ME WITH STICKS EVERY DAY!!!!”
The other Justice Leaguers exchange uncomfortable looks, and I continue ugly-crying with enough force to embarrass Will Ferrell. “A-HEM!” Superman clears his throat into his fist. “Yes, well, while we don’t share Batman’s view on corporal punishment, something has to be done. Kent, you can’t just—”
At that moment, Poison Ivy busts into the room. A venus flytrap the size of a Labrador gallops in and opens its maw. Kryptonite mustard gas pours from its mouth, and the Justice Leaguers clutch at their chests, coughing and wheezing. I manage to repel the olfactory assualt with my own filthy BO. Batman slaps on a rebreather mouthpiece but a tentacle extends from Ivy’s pet and coils around it. After it yanks the rebreather away, it coils the tentacle tight around his arms, pinning them to his waist. Then it flips him around and a second tentacle yanks down his tights, exposing a bat-emblazoned speedo.
“NO!” he yells. “Don’t—”
Ivy grins. “You’ve never been to Arkham, sweetie. The buttsex there ain’t just regular buttsex; it’s CUH-RAAAZY buttsex! You should experience some—have a taste of your own medicine!” The tentacle rears up, ready to violate the Dark Knight’s bung.”
Not on my Watchtower. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My hog (I call him Rextard) breaks away from its spiral harness, uncoiling from around my stomach and right thigh with a tremendous roar. Ivy takes a fearful step back, her eyes widening in awe. Rextard bashes his enormous glans thrice against the venus flytrap, mashing the plant-creature’s body into a wet smear of pulpy goo. As Ivy tries to run, Rextard wraps tight around her ankles and yanks her backward, clacking her chin off the deck. I flex my PC muscle, and Rextard raises into the air, dangling Ivy from his wrinkly length.
The Justice Leaguers have recovered from Ivy’s gas. Superman croaks, “In light of recent events, I move to keep Kent on the team.” The others concur with raspy “ayes.”
Batman hikes up his tights, eyeing me with a sullen gaze. Through gritted teeth, he hisses:
“Worst. Superpower. EVER.”
Do you dream of saving the day through the use of genitals that could rival God-freakin’-zilla’s? Yeah—me too! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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