For months, I have hunted the evil piece of shit known as Open Letter Enthusiast. OLE has gone into hiding since his heyday a few years back. You remember that annoying-ass trend of look-at-me, I’m-going-to-post-my-opinion-for-all-the-world-to-see-and-you-better-listen-because-I’m-huffy-and-indignant-and-willing-to-sacrifice-actual-content-for-whiny-pandering-bullshit? Yeah—90% of those letters were written by OLE.
Right now I’m in a stealth-dev chopper. The pilot circles the suburbs, confirming the target house, then lands silently in a nearby park.
My handler grabs me by the shoulder and whispers, “If you run into trouble, we have tactical on standby.”
I answer with a grim nod. “Thanks, but you and I both know his mind is too damn warped for anyone except for a fellow writer.”
My handler claps my shoulder. “You’re a good man, Kent Wayne.”
“I know,” I reply. “Well hung, too.”
His brow furrows. There’s a long, awkward silence.
“Um…right. Anyways, we’ll be here if you need us.”
I exit the chopper and start heading toward the target. When I’m standing in front of it, I hear voices arguing from within its walls:
“You need to get a job or go to school or do SOMETHING, Herman! You can’t just sit around and eat hot pockets all day!”
“I WILL Mom! Geez! Can’t you see I’m DOING STUFF? It’s not like I’m—”
“Writing open letters and playing Destiny for sixteen hours a day does NOT constitute ‘doing stuff!’ Herman, you need to—”
“Fuck this noise! I’m outta here!”
The door slams, and a pimply-faced nerd who looks like a full-grown version of Thurman Merman from Bad Santa comes storming out. I step out into the light.
“Herman. Or should I say Open Letter Enthusiast.”
OLE’s eyes go wide with shock. Then they narrow into bright, hateful glints.
“You can’t stop me. In four hours, my laptop will auto-publish enough open letters to drop the world’s IQ by three standard deviations.”
“You MONSTER!” I snarl. I sprint toward him, chopping the air with my hands, intent on breaking my foot off in his ass.
He raises a palm to his mouth and blows into it, misting my face with a cloud of orange particles. Aaagh! *cough cough* FUCK! *cough COUGH* He’s just employed the secret weapon that all dwellers-within-their-mother’s-basement have made organic to their being!
As I roll on the ground, clutching at my throat, OLE looms over me.
“I’ve got stale oreo crumbles wedged up my asscrack. You ready for dessert?”
I manage to gasp: “FUCK dessert!”
Then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A carb-free protein bar appears in my hand. I rip off the wrapper and chomp down, nullifying the evil cheeto-poison coursing through my system. OLE squeals like a pig and turns to run, but I sit up and boomerang the bar in a long, curving throw. It slices through the air a dozen yards past him, reverses direction and whirls end-over-end back toward his mouth, then cuts off his scream as it slides down his throat.
OLE immediately detonates into a large, smoke-laced fireball. I shade my eyes with my forearm as dark streamers of ash and debris come rocketing out from his foul, processed-food body. I call over the net for a FEMA team, and after they evacuate the neighborhood, I call an airstrike in on the disgusting-ass writing that OLE’s stored in his computer. The world will continue on as it did before, blissfully unaware that everyone was one step away from devolving into a bunch of moronic half-apes.
Odin’s ballsack, that was a close one!
Have you been subjected to a cringe-worthy piece of scrawl that’s chock full of virtue-signaling and nose-in-the-air righteousness? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜