I arrange the Cheeto, the Dorito, and the Gusher carefully atop my Castle Grayskull fortress, light an amaretto bayberry candle, and clasp my hands together.

“And so I offer these holy foods up to the daemon lord Blorlog, so that he may continue gifting me with a monstrous wiener and a host of stories, through which to convey my wiener’s undeniable monstrousness.  (Jesus, is it monstrous!)  Amen, Om Tat Sat, Tathaastu, and in brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight.”

I blow out the candle and rub my palms together.  “Let’s eat!”  Then I glomph down the Cheeto, Dorito, the Gusher, and I start tearing into the original bags from whence they came.  Omnomnompf…delicious!  As I stuff myself full of processed evil, I twerk around my living room and hum the Superman theme (John Williams version of course, what—you think I’m some kind of heathen?).  In the midst of my joyous Man Child celebration, the door to my studio bangs open and in walk a bunch of pale, bloodless sons of whores decked out in ill-fitting tuxedos.  They fix their squinty peepers at me and turn their noses up.  Oh shit.

Snobby Foodies!

I try to squirt past them but they quickly dog-pile me, restraining my speedo-ed body with their pale, untoned limbs.  I might be stronger and know a few dirty tricks, but none of that matters when there’s so many of them…and they’re all so young…

(I like to throw in quotes from Frank Miller’s “Dark Knight Returns” whenever I can.  Don’t judge.)

Four of them stand up, belting out an acapella version of “O Fortuna” from Carmina Burana (it’s the Satan theme song in a buttload of movies, if you’re confused by the reference), and my ex Irma Horfendorff walks through the door in slow motion.  Oh FUCK!

The Snobbiest Foodie of them all!

She sneers at my counter, replete with the finest low-carb protein bars known to man, and viciously backhands them, sending them flying across the room.  She thrust-kicks the leftover pizza I was gonna have for dinner, splattering my floor with sauce and cheese.  Then she reaches into the fridge, shakes my uncooked bacon all over my sputtering face, then pours can after can of my beloved grape Zevia into my eyes and my nose.

“Why—PPTT!  PPPT! —why are you DOING THIS?” I scream.

“Time for you to grow the hell up, Kent.  Time for you to stop amusing yourself with genital shadow-puppets, time for you to stop touting pizza and mountain dew as the finest foods to ever grace the Earth!  Open wide, bitch!”  She claps her hands and one of her vile assistant scurries up to her, bowing his head as he kneels down and offers up a plate.  On its surface are meager thimblefuls of endangered meats, decorated with pussified splashes of thrice-stewed sauce or whatever the fuck.

“Open wide, Kenty…” she shoves a morsel into my mouth.

I spit it back in her face.  For a second, unchecked fury blazes through her eyes.  Then she straightens up and smiles.

“Fine.  You don’t appreciate the finer things in life?  You just sit there and watch while I appreciate them for you.”  She begins popping morsel after morsel into her mouth, deploying one of the most devastating weapons ever invented:

Snobbie Foodie Food Moans.

“MMMMMM!!!!  OOOHHHHHHHH!!!!  RMMMMRRROHMYGODDDDD!!!!  SO GOOOOOOD!!!  YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS!!!!”

I twist desperately in place, clenching my eyes shut, but it’s no use; my ears and anus erupt with blood.  I piss my pants and beg for my sanity, but she doesn’t care; she continues assaulting my mind with her evil Foodie Moans.

Only one option left.  I rip an arm free, shoot it into my pocket, and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Suddenly, my mouth is filled with a potent glob of ghost pepper stew.  I wriggle away from my captors, swallow the ghost peppers, and run to the entrance of my humble studio.  I yank my pants down, and plug the doorway with my swelling butt.  The Snobby Foodies pound desperately away at my distended rear, begging for their lives and howling in terror.

“I’M SORRY!” I shout.  “YOU MADE ME DO THIS!  I DIDN’T WANT TO!”

They just keep pounding and begging.  My gut lurches.  Oh God here it comes…

“I’M SORR—”

*PHHHHHHHBBBBBBTTTT*

Their screams cut off.

Have you been assaulted by Snobby Foodies who are being led by your Ex, the most horrific Food Moaner of all time?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Fluorescent algae light up all around me.  My tour guide eyes me warily from his jet-ski.

“Be careful, Kent.  There are dangerous animals out here—sharks, jellyfish, stingrays…

“Ah, come on.”  I wave my hand dismissively.  “They’re my ocean friends!  Watch:  ”  I stick two fingers into my mouth, whistle—phwee-eww-WEET!—and a conga line of dolphins, whales, sharks, and rays emerge from the swells and start dancing.  They provide the percussive beat with growls, blowholes, or tail-splashes.

“That’s enough, guys!” I yell.  “Thanks a bunch!”  They break formation and scatter into the sea.

“Holy crap!” my tour guide yells.  “That was amazing!  How did you—”

“I’m a Man Whore, bro.”  I throw him a grin.  “We may be reviled in the human world, but the animal kingdom accepts us as one of their own.  I’ve never been mistreated by anything with fins, talons, or fangs.”

“Amazing.”  My tour guide shakes his head in seeming disbelief.  “I can’t believe that—”

Suddenly, the twilight sky darkens with hordes of tiny, jet-packed silhouettes.  I shade my brow with the flat of my hand and stare intently at them.

Then my eyes widen in horror.

“They’re coming for me!” I shout.  “GET THE FUCK OUT OF—”

It’s too late.  A bunch of human-hating cats descend on my tour guide, chewing his face off in a matter of seconds, just like when their owners die (true story).  He screams and falls.  As he plops into the water, I see that his brains have been pulled out through his eyesockets; they look like two giant, bloody boogers.

The cats hover above me using their be-shitted jet packs.  “You may be friends with animals, Kent Wayne,” the lead one hisses, “But your loyalty to big smelly dogs has made you our enemy!”

“Big surprise!” I shoot back.  “You guys are EVERYBODY’S enemy!”

The lead cat chuckles.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about; we work well with the Chihuahuas.”

“Oh, the FUCKING CHIHUAHUAS!  Makes sense—you’re both dedicated to sucking the fun out of humanity, and replacing it with your cold, bullshit aloofness!”

“Enough of this,” Lead Cat hisses.  “Now is the winter of our discontent!  Felines—TEAR OFF HIS FACE!”

Uh uh, motha ducka.  I reach into a side compartment on my Voltron-headed rubber-ducky inner tube, withdraw my eReader, and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A tiny cry rings through the sky:  “TERRIERS ETERNUS!”

My loyal little buddy Bitefighter—83rd level intellect and Terrier Extraordinaire—comes streaking in on the BiteWing:  a tech-ed out hang-glider fitted with all manner of advanced robotics.  The tropical sunlight gleams off his green-glowing data monocle as he swoops toward me, his auto-tracking barrels blazing with muzzle flash.  Instead of directed-energy fire or tendon-ripping steel, he’s launching an army of thimble-sized machines.  What the hell?  I can’t really see what they’re supposed to—

And then the cats start screaming.  They’ve been enveloped with super-small vaccuum cleaners!

“RUN FOR YOUR FUCKIN’ LIVES!” Lead Cat yowls.

As they flee into the night, Bitefighter collapses the mechanized membrane of his rocketry-powered hang glider, landing softly on my Voltron rubber ducky.  We exchange a high five, cackling in glee as the cats condemn us with one last curse:

“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE!  DAAAAAMMMMMNNN  YOOOOOUUUUUuuuuuuu…”

Ha HA!  The adventures of Kent Wayne and Bitefighter continue!  😀

 

Are you trying to chillax on a rubber ducky (mounted with the head of your favorite mecha), but a bunch of no-good yowlers are actively fucking with you?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

“Whassup, Kent?  Whatchoo up to?”

“Ah, nothing.  Just sharpening my axe, getting ready to beat some Elven ass.  What about you, UgNug?”  I stop running a whet stone across my weapon.

“Same as you brother—I was fletching some arrows, but I got bored so I’m taking a break.”

“Man.”  I scratch my prothagonous jaw.  “Isn’t it great being an Orc?  We’re yoked as fuck, we never have to shower, and when we go on Hobbit raids, it’s like an all you can eat buffet.”

UgNug pats his belly with both hands.  “I ate the fuck out of this little dude named Kerklin a couple of weeks ago.  He tasted like apricot jam and Earl Grey.”

“Damn.”  I shake my head in admiration.  “I can’t wait to grill me up some Halfling thigh meat.  Dude, there’s this new pepper crust I’ve been putting on my chops.  You gotta taste it.  It’s fuckin’—”

“Kent!  UgNug!”  Our nerdiest Orc, GlokFlu, comes striding up to us.  “Hey, as of right now, you guys are off the War Party.  Our encampment’s grown too big; we can’t keep running around like a bunch of crazy assholes.  You’re gonna be with me—you’re gonna be accountants.”

“Say WHAT?”  UgNug crosses his arms and laughs derisively.  “The fuck are you talking about?  Ain’t no way I’m gonna crunch numbers all day and spend sleepless nights cursing my ever-shrinking wiener!  Nah, brah; I’m meant to reave, pillage, and fuckin’—”

GlokFlu thrusts his arm forward, and sapphire light erupts from his fist.  “Power of ACCOUNTING!”  The light shoots from his knuckles and envelops my fellow ass-beater.  UgNug throws his head back and howls in agony, levitating a few feet off the ground like a really ugly version of Highlander.  In a matter of seconds, he’s shrunken into a pale, withered version of his former self.  He now looks like Gollum’s prison bitch.

As he touches back down, his armor clanks to the ground—it’s far too voluminous for his tiny, shriveled body.  GlokFlu snatches a beating stick out from his battle belt and begins beating UgNug about the head and shoulders.  My buddy snivels and whimpers with each hit, raising his stick-thin arms to try and cover his head.

“Beat!  Beat!  Beat-os and beaties all over your motherfucking face!”  GlokFlu exclaims gleefully.  “There you go:  now that you’re properly emasculated and indoctrinated with a beating, you’re ready to be an accountant.  Run off, dickskin.”

UgNug scampers off.

“What about you, asshole?”  GlokFlu’s fist begins glowing again.  “Ready to forsake the marauder’s life?”

“LIKE HELL!” I scream.  Then I reach into my harness and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My already giant balls expand to the size of monument-sized boulders.  I bounce toward GlokFlu on them, springing off their surfaces like a pogo-powered Orc.  GlokFlu shrieks in terror and unleashes blast after blast of accounting nerdery at my enormous cojones, but my sack’s ridiculously manly essence deflects his bullshit with consummate ease.  I take one last bounce, fly twenty feet into the air, and glimpse GlokFlu’s terrified face below me as the shadow of my scrote envelops his body.

*SQUISH*

Is some robot-voiced jerkoff trying to pull you away from your barbaric profession so they can make you push pencils and sign off on TPS reports?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here:  Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Here’s the iTunes page:  Logical Idiots on iTunes.  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜