Fluorescent algae light up all around me. My tour guide eyes me warily from his jet-ski.
“Be careful, Kent. There are dangerous animals out here—sharks, jellyfish, stingrays…
“Ah, come on.” I wave my hand dismissively. “They’re my ocean friends! Watch: ” I stick two fingers into my mouth, whistle—phwee-eww-WEET!—and a conga line of dolphins, whales, sharks, and rays emerge from the swells and start dancing. They provide the percussive beat with growls, blowholes, or tail-splashes.
“That’s enough, guys!” I yell. “Thanks a bunch!” They break formation and scatter into the sea.
“Holy crap!” my tour guide yells. “That was amazing! How did you—”
“I’m a Man Whore, bro.” I throw him a grin. “We may be reviled in the human world, but the animal kingdom accepts us as one of their own. I’ve never been mistreated by anything with fins, talons, or fangs.”
“Amazing.” My tour guide shakes his head in seeming disbelief. “I can’t believe that—”
Suddenly, the twilight sky darkens with hordes of tiny, jet-packed silhouettes. I shade my brow with the flat of my hand and stare intently at them.
Then my eyes widen in horror.
“They’re coming for me!” I shout. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF—”
It’s too late. A bunch of human-hating cats descend on my tour guide, chewing his face off in a matter of seconds, just like when their owners die (true story). He screams and falls. As he plops into the water, I see that his brains have been pulled out through his eyesockets; they look like two giant, bloody boogers.
The cats hover above me using their be-shitted jet packs. “You may be friends with animals, Kent Wayne,” the lead one hisses, “But your loyalty to big smelly dogs has made you our enemy!”
“Big surprise!” I shoot back. “You guys are EVERYBODY’S enemy!”
The lead cat chuckles. “I don’t know what you’re talking about; we work well with the Chihuahuas.”
“Oh, the FUCKING CHIHUAHUAS! Makes sense—you’re both dedicated to sucking the fun out of humanity, and replacing it with your cold, bullshit aloofness!”
“Enough of this,” Lead Cat hisses. “Now is the winter of our discontent! Felines—TEAR OFF HIS FACE!”
Uh uh, motha ducka. I reach into a side compartment on my Voltron-headed rubber-ducky inner tube, withdraw my eReader, and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A tiny cry rings through the sky: “TERRIERS ETERNUS!”
My loyal little buddy Bitefighter—83rd level intellect and Terrier Extraordinaire—comes streaking in on the BiteWing: a tech-ed out hang-glider fitted with all manner of advanced robotics. The tropical sunlight gleams off his green-glowing data monocle as he swoops toward me, his auto-tracking barrels blazing with muzzle flash. Instead of directed-energy fire or tendon-ripping steel, he’s launching an army of thimble-sized machines. What the hell? I can’t really see what they’re supposed to—
And then the cats start screaming. They’ve been enveloped with super-small vaccuum cleaners!
“RUN FOR YOUR FUCKIN’ LIVES!” Lead Cat yowls.
As they flee into the night, Bitefighter collapses the mechanized membrane of his rocketry-powered hang glider, landing softly on my Voltron rubber ducky. We exchange a high five, cackling in glee as the cats condemn us with one last curse:
“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAAAAAMMMMMNNN YOOOOOUUUUUuuuuuuu…”
Ha HA! The adventures of Kent Wayne and Bitefighter continue! 😀
Are you trying to chillax on a rubber ducky (mounted with the head of your favorite mecha), but a bunch of no-good yowlers are actively fucking with you? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜