“Whassup, Kent? Whatchoo up to?”
“Ah, nothing. Just sharpening my axe, getting ready to beat some Elven ass. What about you, UgNug?” I stop running a whet stone across my weapon.
“Same as you brother—I was fletching some arrows, but I got bored so I’m taking a break.”
“Man.” I scratch my prothagonous jaw. “Isn’t it great being an Orc? We’re yoked as fuck, we never have to shower, and when we go on Hobbit raids, it’s like an all you can eat buffet.”
UgNug pats his belly with both hands. “I ate the fuck out of this little dude named Kerklin a couple of weeks ago. He tasted like apricot jam and Earl Grey.”
“Damn.” I shake my head in admiration. “I can’t wait to grill me up some Halfling thigh meat. Dude, there’s this new pepper crust I’ve been putting on my chops. You gotta taste it. It’s fuckin’—”
“Kent! UgNug!” Our nerdiest Orc, GlokFlu, comes striding up to us. “Hey, as of right now, you guys are off the War Party. Our encampment’s grown too big; we can’t keep running around like a bunch of crazy assholes. You’re gonna be with me—you’re gonna be accountants.”
“Say WHAT?” UgNug crosses his arms and laughs derisively. “The fuck are you talking about? Ain’t no way I’m gonna crunch numbers all day and spend sleepless nights cursing my ever-shrinking wiener! Nah, brah; I’m meant to reave, pillage, and fuckin’—”
GlokFlu thrusts his arm forward, and sapphire light erupts from his fist. “Power of ACCOUNTING!” The light shoots from his knuckles and envelops my fellow ass-beater. UgNug throws his head back and howls in agony, levitating a few feet off the ground like a really ugly version of Highlander. In a matter of seconds, he’s shrunken into a pale, withered version of his former self. He now looks like Gollum’s prison bitch.
As he touches back down, his armor clanks to the ground—it’s far too voluminous for his tiny, shriveled body. GlokFlu snatches a beating stick out from his battle belt and begins beating UgNug about the head and shoulders. My buddy snivels and whimpers with each hit, raising his stick-thin arms to try and cover his head.
“Beat! Beat! Beat-os and beaties all over your motherfucking face!” GlokFlu exclaims gleefully. “There you go: now that you’re properly emasculated and indoctrinated with a beating, you’re ready to be an accountant. Run off, dickskin.”
UgNug scampers off.
“What about you, asshole?” GlokFlu’s fist begins glowing again. “Ready to forsake the marauder’s life?”
“LIKE HELL!” I scream. Then I reach into my harness and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My already giant balls expand to the size of monument-sized boulders. I bounce toward GlokFlu on them, springing off their surfaces like a pogo-powered Orc. GlokFlu shrieks in terror and unleashes blast after blast of accounting nerdery at my enormous cojones, but my sack’s ridiculously manly essence deflects his bullshit with consummate ease. I take one last bounce, fly twenty feet into the air, and glimpse GlokFlu’s terrified face below me as the shadow of my scrote envelops his body.
Is some robot-voiced jerkoff trying to pull you away from your barbaric profession so they can make you push pencils and sign off on TPS reports? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition I’ve started a podcast: Logical Idiots! If you want to check it out on YouTube, see it here: Logical Idiots on YouTube and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting! Here’s the iTunes page: Logical Idiots on iTunes. Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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