Tag: humor
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
MEDITATION SESSION #498293 LOCATION: MY CUSTOMIZED FUCK-ROOM (BEDROOM), SAN FRANCISCO CA TIME: 3:00 AM PACIFIC (BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT’S A PERCEPTUAL ILLUSION, SO TAKE THAT INFO WITH A GRAIN OF SALT) Psycho-memetics? On. Neuro-kinetics? Primed. Aetheric meridians? At optimal conductivity. Time to go deep. I flex my will, and— —PSHEEWWW-HOLY-MAMA-JAMA-YIB-YOB-MC-FROGGERNUTS— —go rocketing…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
“As part of Third Leg Thursday, please welcome the man you’ve all been waiting for, our hottest draw and biggest Whorebag, sci-fi author and perennial Man Child, KEEeeeeeeeeEEENT WAYNE!” KC and the Sunshine Band’s “Get Down Tonight” blares over the speakers as I make my way onstage, my big ol’ piece swaying between my knees. …
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
“YOUR BRAIN IS TOO BIG, KENT! HOW’S IT FEEL TO BE UTTERLY HELPLESS, LIKE THE REST OF US DOUCHE-JOCKS WHEN WE’RE FLUMMOXED BY BASIC ARITHMETIC???” Blake Turner, my high-school nemesis, pummels my belly as his idiot hench-minions pull back on my arms. I grimace and wince like a fucking action hero. “Not too big for…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
Blurrrghh…my name is Labrador Kent. All day long I think, “Dog dog dog. Eat eat eat. Dog dog dog.” I thought I could maintain my blissful ignorance. Joke was on me. Enter Irma Horfendorff: my human caretaker. I used to be nice. Never even swore. But this crazy-ass bitch is pushing the boundaries—always telling me…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
“Wow…it’s like angel skin..” Soccer Moms run their hands across my satin-smooth scrotum, marveling at its pendulous majesty with wide eyes and parted lips. I put my hands on my hips like a 50s superhero, smiling broadly at them. “Yep—there’s a good reason why I’ve won three awards for the most beautiful set of genitals…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
Uggghhh…I pat my belly and sigh in contentment. Just ate a whole peecha. Extra jalapenos, extra sausage, extra onions…extra everything. And now I revel in my glorious, disgusting belly. Food babies are the BEST. Suddenly, three booming words ring through the air: “I HAVE WOKEN.” I bolt up on my couch. What the fuck??? “THE…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
Butt stuff. It’s everywhere. It used to be seen as forbidden fruit, but now it’s crept into our collective consciousness. Ever done it? I know you’ve thought about it. It lurks over every conversation, every moment of our butt-centric lives. Everyone loves butts. Which brings me to my current predicament… Martha Stewart draws her…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
There’s precious little you can do, if you’re ever stabbed with a red-ink pen by a dyed-in-the-wool Grammar Nazi. Maybe watch your brains dribble out your ears and down to your chin, before they slop to the floor and collect into a gray-matter puddle. Yep—you’re pretty much done-skies. Can’t even enjoy one last jerk—grammar makes…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
Who wants to know how the sausage is made? Damn few, my friends, damn few. Kent Wayne, Man Whore extraordinaire, at your service. People think it’s fun and games being a yoked-as-fuck, dick-slangin’ Man Hooer (that’s how I say it on Saint Paddy’s Day, maybe a little culturally insensitive, but I’ve seen Irish authors write…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
“DON’T YOU DARE EAT THAT PASTE, KENT!” Mrs. Milfymamms, my third-grade teacher and MILF Extraordinaire, slaps the delectable bottle of Elmer’s out of my hand. A pained whimper escapes my lips as it tumbles end over end and flies out the door. “No!” I scream, uncrossing my legs and bolting to my feet. “You unbelievable…
Kent Wayne 