Tag: humor

I know it’s there. It’s been in my bathroom since I was a kid. The Toilet Monster. Its terrorized legions of innocents.  If it were a Dungeons and Dragons monster, it would be the equivalent of a 30th level Fucklord.  Most of you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Most of you—like me—flushed the toilet,…

AHHHH!!!  DICK BURN! Too much time alone has led to too much masturbation—now I touch it and it feels like sunburnt pink belly!  Can’t masturbate until it heals—AHHHHH!!! What to do what to do WHAT TO DO??? AAAAHHHH!!!!     “Madam President, we can’t wait much longer.  This bunker will only protect us from the…

[This is Zornog 5] I telepathically beam to my fellow Gray Alien copilot, Nekzoon 9.  [Downshifting craft to three dimensions.  Stand by for physical instantiation.] My copilot beams back a wave of assent.  [Downshift when ready, Zornog.  Bending EM spectrum; our craft is now invisible to the giant half-apes.] [Excellent.] I reply.  [Shall we play…

Murrrgh…just drank some coffee, now I’m feeling halfway human.  Gotta do some writing before I slap on my business fucking casual and punch in for my cock-withering job. I flip open my laptop and start typing.  Blah-blibbity-blah-blibbity-blah… (dunno if you’ve ever done this, but I’ve come up with tons of material by writing whatever’s on…

Fell wind blows from the east.  I grimace sharply, adjust my sword belt, and keep walking.  My Elven companion, Eldilias Halvilian, keeps pace with me, his cut-fingered gloves clutching his weathered staff. “By the gods,” he gasps.  “Who could have known that our journey into the Dark Lands would invoke this much suffering?” “Indeed,” I…

Oh ballsack, how I love you so… I pull out my clit-slapper (I don’t really have a giant sack; but if you’re one of the blessed few, it can pound away at the little man in the canoe like no one’s business) and gaze lovingly at it.  This national icon has pulled me through many…

I’ve been eating Elmer’s paste for a long, long time–ever since kindergarten, when I pooped in Susie Derkins’ lunchbox in retaliation for pistol-whipping the shit out of me with her Squall Surge Super Soaker.  Now that I’m a grown-ass man, I’ve gone a step further—I’ve infused my Paste Soup with psychedelic mushrooms. “NOMPF!  GLOMPF!  OMNOMMERGLOMPF!” …

It’s a weird fucking world.  Fourteen billion years ago, some unknown force induced a massive expansion of highly condensed energy, allowing time and space to instantiate around clumps of matter.  Said clumps iterated into planets, dinosaurs, and now us. Crazy.  Bats-in-the-belfry, shithouse crazy. So the fact that I’m piloting a dimension-hopping multicraft shouldn’t strike you…

“Try the salmon mousse, Kent.  It’s to die for.” I force a grin as my boss, Herman Snerdbert.  He nods and smiles at a colorful tray full of appetizers and snacks. “Thanks.”  I reach  for a piece of soul-killing food, designed to distract my mind from my meaningless life. “Great office party, huh?”  Herman looks…