Fell wind blows from the east. I grimace sharply, adjust my sword belt, and keep walking. My Elven companion, Eldilias Halvilian, keeps pace with me, his cut-fingered gloves clutching his weathered staff.
“By the gods,” he gasps. “Who could have known that our journey into the Dark Lands would invoke this much suffering?”
“Indeed,” I grunt. “I have embarked on many an adventure, but I have never fought were-lings, trolls, and Shadow Clan in the same journey. This is unprecedented.”
“My magicks are fading.” Eldilias gives me a haunted look, his once fair-hair made grimy and ratty by our unending slog. “I will not be able to conceal us from Grammar Nazi’s eye for much longer. It is all-seeing. It is without mercy.”
“Don’t I know it.” I continue across the blasted ground, stepping carefully around a slumbering snatch-plant. Its razor-sharp fangs shift and click in its oval maw.
“Your barbarian spells—is there anything in your arcana that might be of use?”
I stop walking, my eyes canvassing the murky horizon. “I’m not sure…my eldritch power is fickle and unpredictable…”
“Please, Kent.” Eldilias drops to a knee and clutches his belly, his face twisting with stabbing pain. “My wards—they’re failing. I can’t…I can’t…”
“MUAHAHA! OHOHOHO!” A terrible burning eye materializes a hundred feet above us, painting the sky with a giant, unblinking oculus. “BOW BEFORE GRAMMAR NAZI! FEED ME WITH YOUR SOULLESS ESSAYS AND PEDANTIC CORRECTIONS!”
“Kent!” Eldilias screams. “RUN!”
“Not a chance,” I hiss. And then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My giant veiny cock erupts from my tunic, coiling and rising like a powerful sea-serpent. “BACK!” it roars. “IN THE NAME OF VEINS AND TUMESCENCE, OF GIRTH AND G-SPOT, I COMMAND YOU TO BACK THE FUCK OFF!”
Grammar Nazi’s evil eye recoils in horror. The flames wreathing its contours billow with ashy smoke, dimming its appalling glare. “NO! BEGONE FROM ME, O COCK OF LEGEND! YOUR LIFE AND LIGHT SEAR MY BEING!”
“Good!” my wiener snarls. “Fuck off back to the Shadow!”
The eye roils with gut-churning vapor, then implodes in on itself, vanishing in a winking twitch. I put my hands on my hips, smiling broadly at my magnificent peen.
“Thank you Kent.” Eldilias wipes tears from his eyes and rises to his feet. He gives my wiener a dubious once-over. “But ah…I know you saved our lives with your splendid member, but is there any way you could put it back in your tunic? It makes me feel small and unwanted.”
I retract my wiener with a mental command, then throw a smile at my Elven companion.
Are you trekking into nightmarish territories, and need to fight off evil with a holy force from on high? (Or down low, in my case) Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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