I know it’s there.
It’s been in my bathroom since I was a kid.
The Toilet Monster.
Its terrorized legions of innocents. If it were a Dungeons and Dragons monster, it would be the equivalent of a 30th level Fucklord. Most of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Most of you—like me—flushed the toilet, turned off the light, and for a few terrifying instants, were heart-stoppingly aware of an unholy entity emerging from that roaring swirl of water. It’s where I first learned to run for my life—when that fuck-stained world-destroyer was pushing its way up through the pipes and trying to enter our world in a tumultuous rush of water and darkness. Luckily, I—like the rest of you—managed to close the bathroom door each time. And I—like the rest of you—would collapse against that door, thanking Batman, Kal-El, and the rest of the Greater Gods for their infinite mercy, expressing my soul-deep gratitude to them for lending me the strength to outrun the Toilet Monster one more time.
(Yes, when I was young, I was actually terrified of the flushing toilet).
Now that I’m older, I’m ready to fight back. FUCK you, Toilet Monster! You’re done terrorizing little kids, depriving them of the exalted pleasure of a satisfying, splooshy bowel movement!
Time to lure him out. I finish my bid’ness, then get ready to sprint like a mofo.
Go-time, asshole! I yank my pants up onto my bidet-cleaned bottom (it sounds weird, but once you try it, you’ll thank yourself for the rest of your days), and make a break for the door. Hell-fiend laughter echoes through the bathroom. Here it comes!
This time, instead of slamming the door without looking, I turn around and square up with my enemy. Its hideous, wattled face stretches into a grin.
“Fuck you,” I hiss.
The grin falters.
And then I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A four-foot gatling cannon forms on my hip, its six-barrel cluster held in place by a telescoping harness that extends from its butt and loops across my shoulders. Each barrel is topped by a tiny, furious, Chuck Norris head.
“EAT JUSTICE, YA DIRTY COMMIE!”
The six heads opens their bearded mouths, letting loose with a bone-rattling salvo of ’Mercan-made metal. The bullets—they’re all emblazoned with a tiny, denim-clad Chuck wearing a cowboy hat, ripped-off sleeves, throwing a jumping round-house kick—slam into the Toilet Monster, riddling it with enough ammo to turn it into a goddamn wrecking ball.
Ha HA! Nothing beats a Norris-headed gatling cannon! Suck on smegma, Toilet Monster!
Has an ancient evil from your childhood of yore made its emergence into your beloved Sanctuary of Dook? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜