[This is Zornog 5] I telepathically beam to my fellow Gray Alien copilot, Nekzoon 9. [Downshifting craft to three dimensions. Stand by for physical instantiation.]
My copilot beams back a wave of assent. [Downshift when ready, Zornog. Bending EM spectrum; our craft is now invisible to the giant half-apes.]
[Excellent.] I reply. [Shall we play some music, apropos to our entrance?]
[A rhetorical question, I presume.]
[Indeed it is.] I telekinetically activate our speaker system. It erupts with the creepy alien theme song from The Simpsons: ooo-WE-ooooo….
[Love it.] Nekzoon beams me a grin.
As elite members of the Biped Project, Nekzoon and I have been tasked with periodically checking up on our ongoing science experiment: the human race. It’s not the best gig (sometimes I wish I was a member of Impersonation Command, like our fellow Alien who is known as Kanye West, so I could see how much ridiculous shit I could get away with saying) but overall, it ain’t bad. Days like today bring a smile to my expressionless, big-eyed face.
Today is Anal Probe Day: a once-in-a-decade event where we snatch up some humans and butt-probe the shit out of them in the dead of night.
First one on our list is named “Kent Wayne.”
FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE GOOFY HALF-APE KNOWN AS “KENT WAYNE”
Ahhh…just finished draining my balls (thank you, fiftyplusmilfs) and now I’m ready to lay down in bed and saw some logs. I three-point my cum-kleenex off the bathroom door and into the toilet (impressive I know—that shit takes decades of training) and tumble sideways onto my futon, all in one practiced motion. My eyes slide closed, my breathing slows, when suddenly—
What the FUCK? I bolt up in bed, just in time to see a flying saucer touch gently down on my front lawn. A sectioned ramp extends from its belly, and two small Grays clank down the walkway. My door swings open of its own accord, flooding my studio with eerie light. The aliens enter. One of them fixes me with its blank, expressionless stare.
I can’t move—fuck! Somehow, it’s taken control of my fucking body!
[My name is Zornog 5. My companion is Nekzoon 9. Prepare to be probed, Kent Wayne.]
No. NO!!! I rage against the psychic compliance hold, but to no avail; this fucker’s mind is too damn strong!
A bead of sweat forms on Zornog’s brow. [You…are…determined, Kent Wayne. While you may be psychically gifted, you are no match for my aetheromagic wizardry. How are you this…ah.] I feel him rummaging through my mind. [Rekto’s tentacles!] he exclaims, astonished. [You’ve eaten HUNDREDS OF GRAMS OF MAGIC MUSHROOMS!]
[I maow them shits down by the motherfuckin’ handful.] I grit my teeth and narrow my focus. [And thank fucking Odin, because they’ve given me the psychic wherewithal to—]
[NEKZOON HELP!] Zornog cries. [I’M LOSING MY GR—]
And then I rip free of his ass-probing mind and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My knee-length womb-hammer rises from my crotch and points right at Zornog’s face. Pew pew pew! Foul-smelling seed (what can I say—I like coffee, I LOVE asparagus) coats his little gray face, sending him into a paroxysm of coughs and sputters.
[AGH! THPBBT! ATTACK SPERM! KILL HIM, NEKZOON! KILL HIM BEFORE—]
[Too late, you little gray fuck.] I snarl. Nekzoon looks up at my wiener, his slitted mouth gaping open in awe as it casts an overly large, mushroom-head shadow across his face. He’s paralyzed with fear.
[Now I am become Death.] I intone gravely. [The Destroyer of Worlds.]
Then I flex my PC muscles three times, bashing Nekzoon’s face with brutal force. His bony head cracks and squishes. Zornog tries to stumble towards the door, but my wiener wraps tight around his scrawny neck, squeezing his airway until his head pops like a ripe pimple.
Alien gore showers down around me. I allow myself a ferocious smile.
(And THAT, my friends, is why you want to eat as many magic mushrooms as you possibly can. Kent wins again—ha HA!)
Are you being threatened by a Gray Alien probe? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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