I’ve been eating Elmer’s paste for a long, long time–ever since kindergarten, when I pooped in Susie Derkins’ lunchbox in retaliation for pistol-whipping the shit out of me with her Squall Surge Super Soaker. Now that I’m a grown-ass man, I’ve gone a step further—I’ve infused my Paste Soup with psychedelic mushrooms.
“NOMPF! GLOMPF! OMNOMMERGLOMPF!” My eyes bug wide as I shovel spoonful after spoonful of nommy McNomNoms into my spew-hole. After I’ve eaten about half my bowl, the prophetic stew starts to kick in.
“Whoa…” I whisper, the spoon dropping away from my bukkake-white lips. Phantoms and spirits whirl around the room, surrounding me in a haze of hypnagogic fairy-light.
“Keeent….KEEEENT…we are the Spirits of the Paste. We have come to warn you—great evil darkens your doorstep.”
“Spirits of the Paste!” I cry, dropping to my knees and prostrating myself. “I will do your bidding, O great and holy entities!”
“Good, Kent—good. You must protect us from—”
Another voice interrupts the spirits: “OH HO HO HO! AH HA HA HA! I, THE EIDOLON OF GRAMMAR NAZIS, HEREBY DECLARE I WILL ENGAGE IN NONCONSENSUAL SEX WITH YOUR DISEMBODIED BUTTS AND FACES, O PUNY PASTE SPIRITS!” The evil Eidolon takes form as a miasmic collection of red and black jags.
“No!” The Paste Spirits scream. “Kent! SAVE US!”
Shit! No options left. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I push the insides of my fists together, holding them in front of my chest and pulling them apart, just like Voltron when he’s forming Blazing Sword. A fantastic blade made of intricate circuitry instantiates between my spell-charged fists. I grip its hilt with my right hand and brandish it high, just like the Defender of the Motherfucking Universe.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???” the Eidolon screams. “IT’S DISGUSTING!”
My lips curve wide in a predatory smile. “It’s Big Dick Energy, asshole. The bane of all Grammar Nazis.”
And before the Eidolon can say another word, I rush forward and the world becomes a blur. A rising scream builds in my throat and rips from my mouth as I swing my weapon, cutting through the Eidolon’s shit-minded body. I finish in a single-kneed crouch on the other end of the room, frozen in place like a dueling samurai.
“AAARRRRRHHH!!!” The Eidolon’s pained howls fill the air. Hurricane winds crash through the room, forcing me to squint and bare my teeth. A second later, the Eidolon gets sucked into the evil shit-realm from whence it came.
“Thank you, Kent Wayne. Thank the Maker for your BDE.” The Paste Spirits’ words are accompanied by a soft resonance of telepathic harmony.
“No problem.” I rise from my crouch, grinning. “Always a pleasure to punch Grammar in its stupid fucking face.”
Big Dick Energy. HEH heh heh!
Have you been accosted by a pedantic force of Grammar who’s absolutely hell-bent on squelching every ounce of your creativity? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜