“Try the salmon mousse, Kent. It’s to die for.”
I force a grin as my boss, Herman Snerdbert. He nods and smiles at a colorful tray full of appetizers and snacks.
“Thanks.” I reach for a piece of soul-killing food, designed to distract my mind from my meaningless life.
“Great office party, huh?” Herman looks around, taking in the legion of corporate drones that are humming and buzzing throughout the conference room. “Can’t believe you’ve been with us for twenty years. You’ve really set the example for the rest of the young bucks.”
“Yes. I have.” My eyes quiver as I think of the endless years I’ve spent at a cubicle, looking over spreadsheets and income statements and endless reams of eye-stabbing emails. My liver-spotted hand starts to shake as it lifts the salmon mousse up to my mouth. My lips go numb as I crunch down. Cracker crumbs dribble down my chin, but I’m too deadened to care. My soul has been crushed. My dick has been stomped.
Herman doesn’t notice the fuck-my-life expression on my worn, leathered face. He just claps my shoulder and grins broadly. “Hey, another decade and you get to retire! Bingo nights, book clubs, quiet evenings with a glass of scotch and a Tom Clancy novel…that’s the life, huh?”
A single tear trickles down my right cheek. “Yeah,” I manage in a throaty whisper. “Sounds amazing.”
“So anyways, hate to break it to you, but I’m gonna need you to work this weekend.” He gives me a concerned look which I know is complete and utter horseshit. “I know I can count on you, Kent—you’ve done it hundreds of times before.”
No. No more.
I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. “RUAAAAAHHH!!!” I let loose with a triumphant roar as blazing tendrils of multicolored light arc up and down my body. My eyes flare with dazzling brilliance, eclipsing my pupils and turning them into a twin pair of supernovas. Cabled muscle erupts across my limbs and torso, and my wiener stretches back down to its original knee-knocking length, before the Office Life turned it into an atrophied gerbil pinkie.
At the same time, the love of my life—Soccer Mom Prime—crashes through the high-rise window, shielding her face with crossed forearms. She collapses into a roll, darting across the cheap linoleum and grabbing my peen like it was a fleshy dog leash.
“Come with me if you want to live,” she intones gravely.
“Fuck yeah,” I say without an ounce of hesitation.
We both sprint for the window, my wiener in her hand, and swan dive out of the gray-minded fuckhole that some people call The Office. Rainbow-scaled pegasi swoop underneath us, and we fly into the sunset, howling like wolves before we make savage love on the dark side of the moon and stuff ourselves with New York’s finest street pizza.
Are you withering away in a corporate prison? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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