Tag: humor

I am, without a doubt, the worst student in all of Hogwarts. My name’s Kent Wayne—sci fi author and eighteen-year-old horndog. I played hooky during the Sorting Hat ceremony, so I don’t belong to any specific house.  I also skip class on a daily basis, which is why I’m stuck in the fifth grade.  On…

Munch munch munch!  Chompa-chomp chomp!  It’s me—Kent Wayne, freewheeling Tyrannosaur!  Goddamn—I love being a rex!  All I do is eat, sleep, and challenge time-traveling humans with mystifying riddles, right before I eat the fuck out of ’em!  OH yeah! But there’s a new buzzkill flexing its muscles:  goddamn brachiosaurs, getting all militant about their vegan…

’Tis I, Kent Wayne, Man Whore Extraordinaire!  Now that I’ve left my earthly body, I’ve been promoted to a twentieth-level Astral Horndog! You may think it’s a walk in the park, championing sexual ecstasy throughout all of existence, but it’s not.  The collective consciousness has gotten really weird in the last decade or so, and…

Taylor Swift pushes my face out from between her legs.  She flashes me a cat-that-got-the-cream smile and steps out from behind her desk. “Thanks, Man Whore.  I needed that.  Goddamn haters are hating extra hard these days.” I shuffle out from beneath the desk, massaging my aching jaw.  Out of all my clients, she’s the…

Urgh.  Zombie Kent no like apocalypse.  Struggle is real. Move slow, no talk, and once-mighty penis look like sad baby mushroom.  Long ago, I flick tip, but it fall off and now I can’t find.  Fuck zombie life.  Urgh. Urgh. URGH! Me shuffle around suburb.  Once I visit soccer moms—insert throbbing phallus into welcome vajeens—but…

Hey-how-ya-doin’.  My name’s Lydanthiel, guardian angel of Kent Wayne.  I’m pulling overtime, which is just another Tuesday for us GAs.  Sorry if I sound a little rushed–I’m juggling Kent’s health, wealth, and goddamn Beta Males, trying to impede his free-dicked lifestyle! Guardian Angeldom has come a long, long way since we flew around with dorky-ass…

Ahh…another beautiful morning in the world of Kent Wayne:  sci fi author and perennial Man Whore. I get up from my bed and my wiener unwinds rapidly—fwip fwip FWIP—before thunking against the ground.  I stroll to my window and gaze out at the sunny landscape.  What a wonderful time to be a man-whore… “There!” someone…

One fateful day, when I was the tender age of five, I walked into an interdimensional portal.  I rode dragons, drank with frost giants, and beat the fuck out of those kids from Narnia (damn posers tried to copy my fantasy-world adventures).  The world I went to was called NippleSlips.  I’d completely forgotten about it…

My name is Labrador Kent.  Fie on your human customs and societal expectations!  Doggos Eternus! I look around at my fellow doggos, who’ve gathered near our favorite for hydrant for some doggo acapella.  “Eh eh EHM!”  I clear my throat, drawing their gazes.  “I call this next one:  Arf Arf Aroo!” They all sit and…