I am, without a doubt, the worst student in all of Hogwarts.
My name’s Kent Wayne—sci fi author and eighteen-year-old horndog.
I played hooky during the Sorting Hat ceremony, so I don’t belong to any specific house. I also skip class on a daily basis, which is why I’m stuck in the fifth grade. On the rare occasion I actually attend, I summon eight-legged penis-creatures that I ride around like a knight on a horse. Whenever I get detention, I hide in the bathroom and maow down mushrooms.
As I make my way through the storied halls, I earn dirty looks from my fellow students. Weak-sauce haters—they’d probably shit their paints if they got a whiff of some quality weed.
“You should clean yourself up. You’re setting a bad example.”
Huh? I turn toward the voice. It’s none other than Harry Potter.
“Look man—” I close my locker and shoulder my bookbag (each book has been hollowed out and filled with packets of DMT) “I don’t shit on you for playing cockbitch—”
“—so to each their own, huh? All I wanna do is get high and play some X-box. You can go ride on an uncomfortably designed phallic analogue–I’m not judging.”
He palm-slams my locker and leans in. “You need a lesson in manners.”
“Only lesson you can teach me is how to keep your laughably narrow dick from getting wet, you nerdy fucking—”
He snarls, “Little gobshite!” and brandishes a wand. He chants something Latin-y, and I cartwheel and somersault through the air.
“Whoa! WHOOOAAA!!! Lemme down, asshole! This is a safe space, you inconsiderate fascist!”
“You’ve crossed the line, Kent! I’m gonna cut off your bollocks and—”
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
As I fall to the floor, J.K. Rowling blinks into existence. Students gasp and drop to their knees.
“All hail the Sacred Mother!”
She looks me up and down. “And who might you be? I’ve never seen you in any of my stories.”
I give her my best panty-dropping smile. “Kent Wayne: sci-fi writer and perennial Man Whore. I’m an author within a story—a self-aware velocity, if you want to be poetic about it.”
“Well, it certainly is nice to meet a fellow author…” she trails off as her gaze settles on my prodigious crotch. “My word!” she breathes. “Your bulge is huge!”
“Don’t I know it.” My grin widens.
“Come with me.” She grabs my hand and starts walking out. “Been quite a while since I’ve had a quality shag.”
As we exit the school, I glory in Harry’s anguished scream: “NOOOO!!! HE’S DEFILED THE MOTHER!!!” Music to my ears—HEH heh heh!
And THAT, my friends, is how I hooked up with the most powerful milf in all of England!
Are you trapped in a story full of haters? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀