Munch munch munch! Chompa-chomp chomp! It’s me—Kent Wayne, freewheeling Tyrannosaur! Goddamn—I love being a rex! All I do is eat, sleep, and challenge time-traveling humans with mystifying riddles, right before I eat the fuck out of ’em! OH yeah!
But there’s a new buzzkill flexing its muscles: goddamn brachiosaurs, getting all militant about their vegan diet. These sadistic motherfuckers take undeserved pleasure in chasing me away from my goddamn kills. Case in point…
TWO DAYS AGO:
NommerYommerMcGobbleTits! Another time-traveling human, down the hatch! (I was all like: “What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people improperly, and works best when jerked?” He was all like: “Uhhh…ummm…a-durr…duhhh…” And I’m all like: “A SEATBELT, you pervert fuck!” Then I maowed his ass down—GlompaYompfH’rGompf!)
As I chew the last bits of thigh and ribcage, a pair of long-necked shadows eclipse the sun. Oh fuck.
“What’re you doing, Kent?” one of the brachiosaurs sneers. “Eating meat like a fucking pussy? Explains why you’re only twelve feet tall and have those little-ass arms.” He leans down and nudges me.
“Ahhh! Don’t touch me!” I squeal. “I keep telling you—my little arms are a genetic defect! I lift five days a week, bro! Why you gotta be so fucking mean???”
He imitates me in a nerdy whine: “ ‘My little arms are a genetic defect! So is my stunted meateater cock!’ Wotta loser! AHAHAHAHA!!!” His friend joins in.
My lip quivers and my eyes well with tears. I can’t fight ’em—they’ve got forty feet of height on me. And they outweigh me by about thirty tons each.
“FUCK you, dickheads!” I cry. I turn tail and start tromping away.
“Oh no you don’t.” The second brachiosaur snakes in front of me and blocks my way forward. “Gotta pay the toll, dickslap. Today it’s gonna be a thick-ass deciduous tree shoved up your poopchute.”
“Oh yeah,” the first one chuckles. “EXTRA deciduous, bitch.”
Before I can say that his comment doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, he pins me in place with his giant fucking neck. “I’ll hold him down. Go get the tree.”
“No! Exit only, motherfuckers! NO!!!” My protests fall on deaf ears—the second brachiosaur goes tromping off to find a tree.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach deep into the recesses of my multiversal mind, tapping the future life where I will write a sci-fi epic known as Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A muscled proto-human falls from the sky, silhouetted by the Jurassic sun for a brief, spectacular moment.
“RUAAAAHHH!!! ALL YE MALES OF LITTLE TESTOSTERONE, FEAR FOR YOUR LIVES!!!”
Proto-Chuck Norris throws a round-house kick onto the brachiosaur’s neck, cutting it neatly in two and freeing me from its grasp. Its disbelieving eyes stare blankly at me as blood pours from its slack-tongued maw. The other brachiosaur comes tromping back. A giant deciduous falls from his jaws as he gapes dumbly at us.
“What the hell?”
Proto-Norris sprints toward the brachiosaur, chopping the air with his karate-strengthened hands, then—
—leaps fifty feet high, bicycling his arms and legs to max out his distance. He slips down the gullet of the open-mouthed brachiosaur, slides out its ass holding the end of its intestine, then leaps up again and grabs its tongue. Much to my horror and amusement, he starts using the dinosaur like a gory jump-rope, jumping up and down and slinging it ’round and ’round by its tongue and butt-guts.
“STOP BULLYING MY MEAT-EATER FRIENDS! OR PROTO-NORRIS USE YOU AS GIANT FUCK-ROPE!”
That’s right, mofos—lemme eat my bacon and steak, or become a nasty fuck-rope for a hairy-assed Proto-norris. (Not sure where he got “fuck-rope” from, but I’ll go with it.)
Are you catching heat for enjoying a yummy-nummy steak or a juicy piece of barbecue? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀