My name is Redwood Kent. I’m the sole redwood tree in a grove of smaller, stickwad fuckfaces. They all envy my girthy trunk, my thick branches and towering head.
Bunch of needle-dicked haters, is what they are.
“Look at Kent,” a small-ass maple grouses. “Thinks he’s Top Cock because he’s the biggest and thickest of us.”
“I AM Top Cock,” I boast. “When the dirt-munchers come to give us a hug” (that’s our name for hippies—‘cos they’re tree-hugging dirt-munchers) “they hug ME the most! Then I spackle their face with loads of pollen—HEH heh heh!”
“Well they’re not around now!” Maple snaps. “No need to honor the Non-Movement Pact!” (We trees are bound by an ancient agreement to remain still if humans are near). “We’re gonna beat your ass, Kent!”
“Well come get some, you poorly endowed stick-holes!” I roar. “I’ll tear your branches off–fuck your knots with their ragged ends!”
Dozens of trees uproot from the ground and lumber toward me. I swat them away with powerful swings of my broad, veiny branches, but there’s too damn many. So I reach deep in my mind and tap the concept for a sci epic called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Interdimensional portals open throughout the grove. From their glowing centers pours an army of Bigfoot. Bigfoots! My friends of yore!
(We share a deep passion for adolescent humor and rabid chest-pounding)
Hooting ape-men surround my enemies, rattling branches and kicking trunks. Soon, my assailants are fleeing the forest grounds, swearing and yelping as my primate friends beat their ass with no remorse. That’s what you get for fucking with Kent! Ha HA!
Are you a freewheeling topiary, accosted by haters who can’t mind their biz? Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀