Tag: humor
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
Here we go here we go here we GO! I rub my hands briskly together, ready to get started on my next piece of mind-vomit (that’s what I call my writing, because honestly, that’s what it is. I’m surprised and flattered that any of you read it—much less like it—at all). But FIRST? JERK SESH!…
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I’m out of Facebook Jail!
BerKoobershnitz Lompplewoggen! For those of you who didn’t know, I’ve been locked in Facebook Jail for the past three days. I was engaged in a humorous exchange of memes with someone, and apparently I crossed the line when I commented with a pic that implied a stormtrooper was getting fellated by a randy Alderaanian princess. …
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Few things disgust me more than an unshaven asshole. Boogers, maybe. Smegma, probably. Grammar Nazis… Definitely. One of their capture teams has gotten their hands on me. Taken me unawares while I was laying the pipe to one of my soccer mom clients (this one had requested that I put on a Bigfoot mask and…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
“Kent! You have to stop! You have to—NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!” The love of my life, Soccer Mom Prime, shakes me awake. My eyes fly open, just in time to see the skin on her face flake off into fiery pieces of ash. What the fuck is going on holy Jesus this is FUCKED— I take a wild…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
My name is Irma Horfendorff. Otherwise known as Kent Wayne’s Ex. He is NOT a great author. He is NOT a velociraptor-riding barbarian. He does NOT induce reality-shattering orgasms that—due to the sheer volume of fresh bedding required to replace his sheets, dissolved by a veritable tsunami of lady-cum—consistently outpace the cost of San Francisco…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
I bolt up in my bed, shocked awake by a chorus of howls. Something’s not right. I throw off the covers, race over to the window, and rotate the handle on my shuttered blinds. As they lift open, I peer nervously through the cracks. Holy shit—the entire neighborhood’s gone buck fucking nuts! People are rampaging…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
A single tear runs down my cheek. “I can’t do it, Krishna,” I manage. “This isn’t what I was meant for.” The embodiment of divine transcendence lays a blue-skinned hand onto my cheek. “Behold my divinity, Kent Wayne. I am All That Was, All That Is, and All That Has Yet to Pass. Am I…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
I make a beeline for the bathroom, clutching my butt with both hands. No matter how much I suffer, I can’t stop eating ghost pepper burritos, and godDAMN do I pay for it! I inevitably get sucked into a race against time where I make it to the toilet JUST before I— PHHHHBBBT! Ohhhhhh…YEAAAAH!!! (admit…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
I hit the START button on my trusty coffee robot (Lova ya Keurig—y’all are a bunch a’ geniuses) and wait for the brew to fill my mug. Sit down in front of my computer with a fresh cup of joe, and open up Word. Hmm…I crack my knuckles, wondering how I should go about knocking…
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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel
When I was but a stem cell, life was exciting and fresh. I could’ve been anything—monocyte, macrophage, neutrophil—but nope; I was a boneheaded youngster, attracted to guts and glory, courtesy of those goddamn ads where a square-jawed dude finishes boot camp and shoves an enchanted sword down a dragon’s gullet. My name is KentSperm8659. I…
Kent Wayne 