“Kent! You have to stop! You have to—NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!”
The love of my life, Soccer Mom Prime, shakes me awake. My eyes fly open, just in time to see the skin on her face flake off into fiery pieces of ash. What the fuck is going on holy Jesus this is FUCKED—
I take a wild look around, watching as a rippling sheet of flames and skulls washes across everything in sight. As Soccer Mom Prime is reduced to a weathered, dessicated skeleton, she manages to point a bony, tattered finger at the muscled cleft that divides my buttocks.
Then her jaw clacks shut and her skull droops forward, the jelly running down from her charred eye sockets. Holy fuck-nog—Breakup Fart! She was trying to tell me to hold it in, because she knew that if I let it out, then—
I watch as an invisible wave of devastating force travels through the city, shattering every window in sequential order. Two helicopters sail across the horizon, smoke trailing from their back rotors as they spin madly through the air and disappear beneath the hellish red skyline.
My God…what have I done…
WHAT HAVE I DONE???
No options left. I open my eReader and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Stop. Rewind. Play.
Ten minutes ago, Soccer Mom Prime jams an enchanted butt-plug into my cornhole.
“HOLA!” I shout, bolting straight up in bed. “What the HELL?” I toss her a bewildered look.
“Calm down, Kent.” She lays a gentle hand onto my right cheek. “You were about to unleash Ragnarok from the depths of your colon. Wait a couple minutes—your body will reabsorb the heinousness and will be well.”
“Okay,” I grumble. “If you say so.” I turn back over on to my side and go back to sleep.
Yep—there’s a damn good reason why I’m still a bachelor.
Breakup fart bad. Human civilization good. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜