Few things disgust me more than an unshaven asshole. Boogers, maybe. Smegma, probably. Grammar Nazis…
One of their capture teams has gotten their hands on me. Taken me unawares while I was laying the pipe to one of my soccer mom clients (this one had requested that I put on a Bigfoot mask and tug my scrote for a good thirty minutes so it would appear extra long), when they swooped in and snatched me up. Black bag over my head, zip ties ’round my wrists, and then off into a van.
Once we arrive at our destination, two of them grab me by the elbows and lead me forward through a long, echo-y hallway. They trade gleeful exclamations, cheered by the prospect of getting their hands on America’s #1 well-endowed author.
“Not so big now, are you?” the one on my left jeers. “Shit, I bet your piece isn’t even that long; it’s probably only about—”
“It’s not about length, sperm-burper,” I reply. “It’s about girth. Everyone’s knows that. You would too if you weren’t so busy stroking your minuscule genitals because you managed to convince some poor deluded sap to stop using sentence fragments. Goddamn pathetic is what it is.”
“You think you’re real funny, don’t you Kent?” We stop walking. Due to the black bag, I can’t see them but I can picture them in my mind; they’re standing in front of me with their arms crossed, looking me up and down like I’m one of the punks they’re about to break. Not gonna happen.
“I’ve dropped my fair share of panties using comedy and wit, yeah. But I’m gonna treat YOU two fucks to something entirely different. I got something fuh yuh ass. And you’re not gonna like it.”
Derisive laughter. “Yeah?” the one on my right asks. “The fuck you gonna do, Kent? We’ve got you dead to rights; there’s no way you could—”
And then with a mighty flex of my arms—HRRRRRHHH!!!!—I snap their poorly applied restraints. Jesus Christ—take a class or two in prisoner restraint. How do you fuck up ZIPTIES?
The next thing I do is reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“HI-YO FUCKING CUNTPUNTER!” A barrel-chested, naked-as-the-day-he-emerged-from-his-mother’s-vajeen Ernest Hemingway flips down from the ceiling, his giant old man cock flopping around like a meth’d up hydra-head. Grammar Nazis all around us shout in alarm and surge toward him, shouting corny AF phrases like “He’s just one man!” and “Seize him, you fools—SEIZE HIM!”
He doesn’t need assistance, but I can definitely help him speed things up. I rip off my pants and unwrap my yogurt-slinger from around my thigh, blattering Grammar Nazis across the face and chest, leaving giant red mushroom stamps on every inch of their exposed skin. In a matter of seconds, me and Hemingway have mowed through dozens of Grammar Nazis like we were x-rated versions of Bruce Lee on that cheesy-yet-awesome island in Enter the Dragon. Bring on your weak-sauce “i before e” bullshit, you low-down frenulum-ticklers! Ain’t no stoppin’ Kent Fucking Wayne…ESPECIALLY when he’s fighting side-by-side with old-balls Hemingway! Ha HA!
Kent Wayne escapes again!
Have you been accosted by a gaggle of pedantic writing nerds? Never fear! Glibbersnoothc McFeenieFipples! Sathephine throws Echo Volume 3 a four-star on Goodreads! Thank You So Much Sathephine! 🙂 🙂 😀
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜