A single tear runs down my cheek. “I can’t do it, Krishna,” I manage. “This isn’t what I was meant for.”
The embodiment of divine transcendence lays a blue-skinned hand onto my cheek. “Behold my divinity, Kent Wayne. I am All That Was, All That Is, and All That Has Yet to Pass. Am I not your ascendant deity? Trust that this is the right path. So it was with Arjuna, and so it is with you.”
I cast my gaze yonder, surveying the legions upon legions of Dungeons & Dragons players, comics aficionados, and every other kind of nerd you could ever imagine. They’re dressed in fantastic armor, and wielding all manner of weaponry. The afternoon sun hangs reflects bright, winking flashes off their blades and firearms.
I turn back to Krishna. “But I was once one of them. How can you expect me to—”
The deity’s eyes shine with cosmic mandalas, sending coils of fright shivering down my backside. “It is not your place to question me, O ye of flesh, O ye of bone! You are naught but a speck on a spinning marble, which continues its gyration AT MY BEHEST! Sing my praises and perform my bidding, lest I turn your soul inside and out, and condemn you to an eternity amongst the daemons! Now follow in Arjuna’s footsteps—unsheathe thy blade, and LAY WASTE TO THESE MOTHERFUCKING NERDS!!!”
I turn back around and face the army. My right hand crosses to my left hip, hovering uncertainly over the haft of my sickle-sword. Then it clenches into a resolute fist.
“No,” I whisper, bowing my head and closing my eyes. “No—this isn’t right.”
The skies darken as Krishna towers above me, growing fifty feet tall in less than a second. Jags of lightning paint the clouds with glaring flashes. “YOU DARE??? YOU ARE MY CONSTRUCT, KENT WAYNE! DO AS I BID OR—”
“I’m not a killer.” I open my eyes and stare up at his wrathful face. “Not of nerds, anyway. There’s another option.”
“There is no other option, Wayne. Now cut them down or—”
Fuck it. Time for a Hail Mary play. I withdraw my eReader from my hip-satchel and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My armor flies off, propelled by jagged bolts of multicolored energy. I throw my arms and head back, and my hair stands completely on end. My gaze lights with otherworldly fury, eclipsing my pupils with electric jolts of Hermetic Destiny. My toned muscles pop into sharp relief, and a happy-faced speedo forms around my genitals and buttocks.
Holy Sha-moley…I’m changing…transforming…becoming what I was always meant to be…
Kent Wayne, Professional Man Whore, at yo’ motha’fucking service!
The energy-storm fades into a steady, thrumming crackle. I look back up at the divine godhead, my eyes steady and clear.
“This is who I am, Krishna. Who I always was.” I flex my PC muscles three times, making my giant hog jump and twitch. For a brief instant, the front of my speedo resembles the inflatable floor of a snot-eating kid’s birthday party bouncey-house.
Krishna shrinks back down to normal height, gracing me with a beatific, glimmer-touched smile. “You have proven your worth, Kent Wayne. It is not up to a ‘Higher Power’ to dictate your actions, the onus is on you to realize you ARE that power, and dictate your actions unto yourself. Go then, Man Whore, with my blessing.” He raises his right hand up to his lips, his index and middle finger straightened, the others loosely curled. He kisses their tips and turns them outward, tracing a slow, graceful crescent. A green band of light trails his gesture, sparkles briefly, then disappears in a twinkling fade.
The nerds turn transparent, then they vanish. In their place is a legion of scantily clad soccer moms, rubbing their hands together and licking their lips. The lead mom—she’s standing center stage at the front of the army—raises cups her mouth with her hands and yells, “Hey Kent! HaaaAAAY! Come get you some sugar, Sweetie!”
I sprint toward them, chopping the air with my straightened hands. Warm wind fans my hair, and my lips spread wide in a cheese-eating grin.
Kent Wayne escapes his destiny…and embraces his DESTINY, know whu’m sayin’??? HEH heh heh! 😀
*angelic porn music*
Have you been designed to be a nipple-licking, panty-soaking, sexy AF doof? Yeah—me too! Embrace your deviant-ass destiny by loading Echo onto your eReader! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜