Here we go here we go here we GO! I rub my hands briskly together, ready to get started on my next piece of mind-vomit (that’s what I call my writing, because honestly, that’s what it is. I’m surprised and flattered that any of you read it—much less like it—at all).
I cue up a window for FiftyPlusMilfs, then reach over to the ever-present bottle of lotion to the right of my computer, hold my left hand out, and press down on the nozzle with my right index and middle fingers. Wet squelches sound from the tip of the bottle as I collect a big ol’ dollop o’ womb-hammer lubricant in the center of my palm. Sweet! I look back at my computer, ready to get biz-zay with the mastur-bay, know wh’um sayin’? HEH heh heh!
Wait. Hold on a sec…why do all the starlets have thicker eyebrows…oh hold on this is nineties porn…oh no, now their downstairs growth is out of control, this is EIGHTIES porn…oh my god now it’s fifties porn…I’m looking at beehive hair-dos and—
In a few seconds, my selection has winnowed down to nothing but 1800s-style girls in long dresses, smiling seductively and flashing their bare-skinned ankles.
Ankles—that’s it. That’s all.
Sweat springs out across my forehead. I press my hands against my temples, grabbing my hair and staring numbly at nothing. My right leg begins to shake uncontrollably.
Bare ankles…it’s a motherfucking travesty…
And then I feel it: a deep rumbling within my gut. I tear my shirt open and stare at my chest. It’s rippling with bulges; holy shit, the lack of good porn has somehow formed an alien chest-burster within my torso! I try to control my breathing but it’s no use—I start to hyperventilate. In another minute, I’m gonna be spasming on the floor with a giant hole in the middle of my chest, courtesy of the MOTHERFUCKING MONSTER THAT’S CLAWING IT’S WAY OUT OF ME! AAAAAAHHHH!!!
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Soccer Mom Prime blasts through the wall like some kind of Delta Force Batman and spear-tackles me out of my ergonomic office chair, groping my buttocks with her manicured fingers. She thrusts her tongue down my throat and grabs a giant handful of my pendulous scrotum. As we make out like a couple of horned-up high-schoolers, the turmoil in my torso calms and ceases. The chest-burster quiets, then reabsorbs back into my body.
Holy cocksmear—that was a close one! Who knew that the antidote to a pornless world was a torrid boff-session with a super hot soccer mom!
Have you been transported into a sexless Twilight Zone? Has your body been hijacked by something vile beyond imagining? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜