My name is Irma Horfendorff. Otherwise known as Kent Wayne’s Ex.
He is NOT a great author. He is NOT a velociraptor-riding barbarian. He does NOT induce reality-shattering orgasms that—due to the sheer volume of fresh bedding required to replace his sheets, dissolved by a veritable tsunami of lady-cum—consistently outpace the cost of San Francisco rent.
(Actually, that last one is true. But I’ll never admit it. No way in hell).
I’ve struck a bargain with the Dark Lord Astaroth. In return for ninety percent of my eternal spirit (along with the right arm of my second-born child), I’ve been gifted with infernal powers, and taken the form of a roach-headed harpy. Right now, I’m flying in circles above Kent Wayne’s home, waiting for his doofy Man Whore ass to come home from the gym.
Ah—there he is, swinging his arms and whistling like an extra in Leave it to Fucking Beaver. Curse his squat-thickened buttocks! Damn his knee-length scrotum!
“Kent Wayne! Tonight you dine in hell!”
I launch a dozen fireballs from my chittering mandibles. They hit the ground to either side of him and he takes off sprinting, blubbering and crying like a five-year old schoolgirl who just shat her pants. Yeah, that’s right—I missed on purpose. Watching him flee is better than watching a UFC superfight between Godzilla and Voltron. Run little piggy, RUN! HEH heh heh!
I circle around for another pass, basking in the warmth of the afternoon sun. God DAMN! Weather’s perfect, Kent’s on the run, and I’m about to burn him alive with my Deathfire Magick. Could this day get ANY better? Hell to the no!
I harry him for a few more passes, drinking in his desperate pleas. Okay that’s enough—time to send this cunt-booger back to the depths of Gehenna. But then, as I’m arrowing toward him in a breackneck dive, he reaches in his pocket and opens his eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The skies fill with clouds, and begin raining tiny little men—a miniature army of luminaries and scientists, thinkers and philosophers. Aristotle, Neil De Grasse Tyson, Socrates, and hundreds of others land across the breadth of my wings. They begin tearing me apart, ripping off chitin and thorax, flesh and membrane.
“FUCK!” I scream. “YOU STINK OF LOGIC! GET OFF ME, YOU EVIL PIECES OF SHIT! ARRRRRHHHH!!!!”
It’s no use. I thrash and flail, but my Astaroth-forged armor is no match for their syllogism-powered fists. Damn you, Kent Wayne! DAAAAAAMMMNNNN YOOOUUUuuuuu….
Has your vindictive ex received an empowerment from The Endless Dark, and is now attempting to flay the skin off your motherfucking bones? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜