Tag: humor

We were once a proud race of noble beings.  Knit from the finest threads, associated with the strongest, cleanest feet.  All that changed with Kent Wayne. I’m his 39087th sock. Socks #1 and 2 enjoyed a loving relationship with Kent.  He would wash them both on a regular basis, and they would protect his feet…

“UG-MUGGER-BUNG GER-SHNOOBER-SHNITZ!”   Huh?  I rub my eyes with a shaky hand.  Last thing I remember is waking up in my San Francisco apartment… “GUN-DUNGAMUNG LUNG-BLOOPY FALLGLE!” I shade my faced, attempting to block some of the glaringly bright sunlight.  A hulking silhouette is looming directly over me, shaking a bulbous club above its head.…

Get some get some GET SOME!  RUAAAHHH!!!! I beat my chest with my fists, screaming until I’m red in the face, reveling in the feel of my blood-pumped arms, in my ankle-length piece as it jumps and twitches like a heavy nautical line dangling down from a mast.  SQUATS, baby!!!  I get under the loaded…

This is the High Chancellor of the United Earth Federation.  Thank you for lending me your ear on this fine Earth morning.  (For the sake of posterity, please have the holographic recorder note that the day is August 28th, 3079.)  I have been instructed to inform you of a serious development.  Alien craft have made…

I race up to my new lady-singer-obsession (sorry, Taylor), clutching a pen and an 8×10 glossy, holding them out in front of me so I can get me an autograph. “Kelly!  Kelly, would you please sign my—” Kelly Clarkson looks at me, her expression twisting into a disgusted grimace. “YOU TRIED TO SEDUCE MY MOM! …

It has been millennia since any of us could be fully classified as “human.”  After we mastered interstellar travel, we took to the stars, and evolved into the gray-skinned bipeds of science fiction fame.  Our heads and eyes grew large and bulbous, our torso and limbs spindly and withered.  Eventually, our genitals assimilated completely into…

“Kent!  KENT!”  Spider-man pounds his fist against my second story office window.  “You gotta help me, man—OPEN UP!” “Fucking Christ,” I mutter, rising from my seat.  “What the fuck, Parker?”  I unlatch the window, and he squirms through the hole.  “Why are you bugging me while I’m still at work?  I’ve got stuff to do,…

My name’s Old Man Wayne.  Dirtiest Man Whore to ever live inside a nursing home.  HEH heh heh! Just a second…be right with you…aaahhh, there we go.  Had to tug my scrotum back down to knee level.   You’d be surprised at what lady octogenarians find attractive—never realized that a Snuggie-sized ballsack would ever be…

My 3AM alarm goes off.  I bolt up in bed and— “RUAAAAAAHHHH!!!!” —let out a primal scream, beating my chest with both fists.  I follow up with a series of demonic howls and Spartan-style a-WHOO, a-WHOO, a-WHOOs until I’m red in the face.  Then I kick off the sheets, fold up my futon, cue up…