This is the High Chancellor of the United Earth Federation. Thank you for lending me your ear on this fine Earth morning. (For the sake of posterity, please have the holographic recorder note that the day is August 28th, 3079.)
I have been instructed to inform you of a serious development. Alien craft have made their way into our solar system, and settled into an anchored drift across the outer reaches of Earth’s atmosphere. Most of you are aware of this. What you may not be aware of is the fact that these craft are populated by Soccer Moms, all of whom have an unquenchable desire for—in their words—“a demon-howl-worthy dick-down.” Apologies if this is offensive; once again, these are their words, not mine.
Our scientists have scoured the globe for someone who can satisfy their demands. We’ve been looking for months, but the Moms have rejected every single one of our prospects. Please—if you know of anyone with giant boner and the ability to satisfy scores of women in a single go, alert your nearest UEF official. Our survival—and that of our children’s—is on the line.
May Odin watch over us, and shepherd us through these troubling times.
SAN FRANCISCO, 2019, KENT WAYNE’S STUDIO:
Sker-DOO! Time to wake up, work out, and knock out some story. Just gotta brew some coffee, get in my morning jerk-sesh, and—
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! My laptop starts flashing. Da fuq? Its screen goes completely black, then displays:
HEARKEN TO YOUR MONITOR, KENT WAYNE. THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE. WE NEED YOU TO SAVE THE EARTH.
“What the hell?” I scratch my cheek, puzzled. “How do I know you’re not bullshitting me?”
YOUR WORSHIP OF ODIN WILL SPREAD ACROSS THE EARTH, INDUCING A GOLDEN AGE REPLETE WITH KINDNESS, BADASSERY, AND MEDIUM-RARE RIB-EYES.
“My worship of–” My jaw drops open. “I never told ANYONE about that!”
“What do you want me to do?” I ask tentatively.
OPEN YOUR EREADER TO ECHO, AND YOU WILL RECEIVE REWARDS BEYOND IMAGINING.
“My eReader? I dunno…”
DO IT, PUSSY.
What the hell. I shrug to myself and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
For a hanging second, I’m standing in front of my computer, in my San Francisco apartment, and—
—then I’m spinning into the center of an interdimensional portal, watching in wide-eyed wonder as unicorns, draco-liches, and giant Voltrons go flying by. A second later I rocket down from the sky and—
—slap down in the middle of a marble-floored council room, kinda like the Congressional meeting halls you see on C-Span, only coated in an array of glowing holographics. Dignified looking folks flinch back in their leather-coated chairs.
“Kent Wayne! The girthiest of them all!”
“Legends say he died nearly a thousand years ago…”
“Fuck the legends! His cock is the only thing here that can stave off utter annihilation! GET HIM TO THE TRANSPORTER!”
I sputter a protest, but they’re not having it; their black-armored security goons stab me in the arm with the business end of a needle. The next thing I know I’m…
……..staring up at a bunch of Soccer Moms, all of whom are licking their lips and unzipping their garments.
Holey Shnizzle Bits! The future is AWESOME!
Does the motherfucking future need your motherfucking help? Not a problem! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜