It has been millennia since any of us could be fully classified as “human.” After we mastered interstellar travel, we took to the stars, and evolved into the gray-skinned bipeds of science fiction fame. Our heads and eyes grew large and bulbous, our torso and limbs spindly and withered. Eventually, our genitals assimilated completely into our skin, leaving nothing but a smooth, featureless patch where we once sported a penis or vagina. Things are so much better now.
[Zorbot-7], my Gray Hive Leader projects into my mind. [The ascendant assimilation is nearly complete. Our unified consciousness has almost finished evolving into a single unstoppable psyche. And yet…]
[What is it, O Calculating One?] I ask.
A flicker of unease flashes through his inky black eyes. [Our probes have detected an anomaly upon our ancestral planet: within the tomb of an ancient human who was once known as ‘Kent Wayne.’]
I bow my oversized skull. [I will investigate this. Should I encounter any threats, I shall eliminate them.]
[May the Intellect bless you.] He touches his forehead with the tips of his fingers, then turns them outward.
A BILLION LIGHT YEARS AWAY, ON THE SURFACE OF EARTH…
I throttle down the anti-grav, lowering my saucer onto the terran surface. The bottom hatch sections open, and a hard-light plank extends from its lip. I walk down its length, assessing our ancestral home with narrowed eyes.
Disgusting. I can’t believe we evolved from a passel of ape-creatures.
But I’m not here to pass judgment. Fifty yards ahead, across the desolate, scorched ground that now covers 99% of Earth, stands a giant statue of Kent Wayne. Before he died, he managed to assemble a cult of loyal soccer moms who worshipped his sexual prowess. Accordingly, his statue is clutching its ridiculously long phallus as if it were some sort of bladed weapon. How puerile.
I make my way toward the statue, ray gun in hand. At the base of the monument, according to lore, lies Kent Wayne’s sarcophagus. A telekinetic shove, and the stone slab that serves as the entrance tumbles to the side.
I walk past it into a dusty, cobwebbed corridor, psychogenically bending the outside beams of light so they follow me inside and illuminate my way forward. After a dozen yards, I spot Kent Wayne’s tomb. Atop its surface is a glowing eReader.
Ah—the source of our troubles. According to legend, it possessed the power to distort reality. I’ll just contain it within a quantum stasis field, and—
PHHHHBTTT! A loud fart sounds from inside the coffin. Intellect above us! How could this ape-man store so much methane in his desiccated bowe—
The force of his corpse’s infernal flatulence disturbs the lid of the sarcophagus, rattling the eReader and causing it to fall from its perch. It opens to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“RUUUUAHHHH!!! FUCK YOU, ALIEN GRAYS!!!” A fully restored Kent Wayne leaps from the coffin, slinging his piece over his head like Indiana Jones’s bullwhip. He flicks it forward with a lash of his wrist, and—
—wraps it tight around my neck! Hor’Glank’s BALLS!
I gasp and sputter as I claw at his penis, trying to extricate myself from its viselike grip. The world is dimming…black walls closing in. KkkkKKK…must…warn…the…others…Man…Whore…is loose.
Are a bunch of giant-headed intergalactic bastards intent on disturbing your eternal slumber? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
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