My name’s Old Man Wayne. Dirtiest Man Whore to ever live inside a nursing home. HEH heh heh!
Just a second…be right with you…aaahhh, there we go. Had to tug my scrotum back down to knee level. You’d be surprised at what lady octogenarians find attractive—never realized that a Snuggie-sized ballsack would ever be seen as drop-yer-panties sexy. Crazy, huh? Now I gotta draw a penis-shaped constellation onto the liver spots scattered across my right cheek and—
“KENT WAYNE!” Amos the Beta Male comes rolling over the hill in his tricked-out golf cart. “WE’RE GONNA BEAT YER ASS AND DROWN YOU IN COLOSTOMY JUICE!” A dozen more golf carts come trailing in his wake.
Oh SHIT! I start hobbling away, but this author/Man Whore/Scrotum Model ain’t no spring chicken; my gimpy old legs shake and tremble as I beat feet. In a matter of seconds, they’ve caught up to me in their dad-blasted motor-machines. Amos is blocking my way forward. The rest of them circle round and round, ringing me in with their revving engines.
I root my weight and widen my stance, holding my cane up vertically by my ear like a goddamn samurai sword. “Come and get you some, you cock-sniffing dollypopppers.”
Amos barks out a laugh. “You been holding out on us—yer the only one here who hasn’t come down with syphilis or gonorrhea! Obviously, you got yer hands on some kinda antidote, and decided not to share. Now GIMME!”
It’s my turn to laugh. “Sheeeyit, Amos—I’ve had syphilis, gonorrhea, and every other form of STD known to man, not to mention the three hundred and forty-eight sexually transmitted pathogens that haven’t yet been discovered. There ain’t no antidote—there’s just so damn many of em swimming around in my body; they end up cancelling each other out. It’s the Way of the Man Whore, you cunt-faced dunderboffer.”
For a hanging second, Amos looks stricken. Then his lips draw back in a hateful snarl. “So be it…Man Whore. ATTTAAAAACKKK!” He chops his arm down, and the golf carts beeline toward me.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My magnificent scrotum unfurls from my pants, ballooning open as it catches a thermal. I grab the edges and it bows inward, pulling taut in a quick snap, then I’m soaring through the air, courtesy of my genital-formed parasail. Down below, Amos and his cronies shake their canes at me.
“DAMN YOU, KENT WAYNE! DAAAAAAMMMMMNNN YOOOOOUUUuuuuuu…”
Don’t matter how old he is—Kent Wayne ALWAYS escapes! Ha HA!
Have you run afoul of the local douchebags that populate your nursing home? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜