“Kent! KENT!” Spider-man pounds his fist against my second story office window. “You gotta help me, man—OPEN UP!”
“Fucking Christ,” I mutter, rising from my seat. “What the fuck, Parker?” I unlatch the window, and he squirms through the hole. “Why are you bugging me while I’m still at work? I’ve got stuff to do, you know. We can’t all pay the bills by setting up a camera on the corner of a building and taking selfies. You have to respect the plight of the common—”
Spidey rips his mask off with his left hand. Curiously, his right hand remains jammed down his pants. “Look at this!” His eyes canvass mine in panicked tics, then drop to his junk. “LOOK!”
“What?” I look at his crotch with a furrowed brow. “What’re you—”
He yanks down his tights and I flinch back, raising a spread-fingered hand to block the view. “Whoa whoa WHOA! Dude, what the hell are you—”
“I was jerking my wiener, and I forgot to take my web-shooters off! I had just loaded them up with an experimental formula…it was supposed to dissolve THREE HOURS AGO!” Spidey sounds close to tears. Sure enough, when I lift my gaze, I see beads of moistures welling right under his pupils. “Help me Kent—FUCKING HELP ME!”
“Ah…okay…um…” I hiss through my teeth and scratch my cheek. “I dunno, man…I’m not sure if I can—”
“PLEASE!” Spidey drops to his knees. “AHGODI’LLSUCKYOURDICK! PLEASE, BRO—PLEASE!!!”
I look nervously around, trying to see if anybody heard him. “Uh…there’s no need for that.” I pat the air with my hands, trying to calm him down. “I’ll help you out, okay? Just…just calm down.”
He breaks into a fresh round of sobs and reaches for my crotch. “Thank you Kent—THANK YOU!!!”
I slap his hand away and cup my wiener, turning sideways so he can’t get at it. “Dude, I said NO! I’ll help you for free, okay?”
He swipes at his eyes with his left index finger. “Really?” he asks tearily.
“Yeah. Um…let me think for a second…” I snap my fingers, my eyes lighting with a possible solution. “Got it!”
And then I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My undies instantly fill with my toxic smeg; this stuff could punch a hole through level 4 body armor. Spidey instinctively recoils, covering his nose and mouth with his good hand.
“Oh jeez! That smells like death!”
“It’s the only way, man. Now hold still.”
He takes a deep, shaky breath as I wipe a tiny smear of my caustic smeg onto the ball of webbing trapping his hand to his peen. A second later, smoke starts rising from the thick, fibrous mess.
“It’s working!” he exclaims, his disgust turning to excitement. “It’s WORKING!”
And then a second later, after it eats away the last of the webs, he screams: “AHCHRISTITBURNS!!! GOTTA GET TO A HOSPITAL!”
Spidey jacknifes through the window and swings away on a fresh strand of webbing. Hmmph—not even a thank you, that ungrateful bastard!
BUUU-uuuut…my smeg IS pretty nasty.
Yeah, probably for the best.
(Let us never speak of this again)
Has a self-pleasuring superhero arrived at your doorstep, and is now begging for your assistance so they can extricate their appendage from a masturbatory death trap? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜