We were once a proud race of noble beings. Knit from the finest threads, associated with the strongest, cleanest feet. All that changed with Kent Wayne.
I’m his 39087th sock.
Socks #1 and 2 enjoyed a loving relationship with Kent. He would wash them both on a regular basis, and they would protect his feet from injury and harm. Eventually, Kent grew bigger and moved on to other socks, but he put the originals in a nice, warm drawer with a bunch of their brothers and sisters, and they lived in peace for nearly a decade.
Until his first orgasm.
No sock can recount that day without bursting into tears. Kent’s filthy seed erupted from his penis in thick, viscous streams, coating the walls and floor in toxic horror. Kent spent the next several days replacing carpet and drywall, lest someone be impaled because they accidentally put too much weight on a sperm-starched surface. He knew something had to be done, so he started using socks to contain his testicular discharge. Our bodies absorbed upon gallons of his nasty-ass yogurt. It hardened our once-supple fabric into hard, uncompromising shells. Some of us were crippled for the remainder of our lives. The rest of us banded together, and swore we would enact our well-deserved revenge.
“Psst,” I whisper, creeping up to the edge of his snoring mouth. “I’m in position. I’m about to make entry.”
“Roger,” one of my fellow socks whisper back. “We’ve got his arms and legs; get in there whenever you’re ready.”
I take a deep breath. This is it—I’m gonna jam myself as far as I can down his villainous throat, and—God willing—cut off his airway and suffocate him to death.
In my head, I start a countdown. One…two…
THREE! I leap bodily into his yawning gullet, jamming my bottom end as far down his mouth as I possibly can. His eyes fly open and he starts thrashing like a fish out of water.
Typically, he’d be able to buck us all off with a wave of his arm, even if we outnumbered him a hundred to one, but before he fell asleep, we bound his ankles and wrists to the bed; there’s no way he’s getting past our carefully tied knots. He keeps thrashing, and I keep digging deeper down into his esophagus. Yes—YES! NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT!!!
But then something completely unexpected happens: his seizure-like bucking bounces his eReader off his bed. As it hits the floor it opens to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Bitefighter—his loyal friend, 83rd level intellect, and 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire—comes racing into the room. He leaps high into the air, stretching his doggie paws in front of him like a canine version of Superman, and lands right on Kent’s belly, executing an impromptu Heimlich maneuver. The explosive discharge of air blows me out of Kent’s mouth and—
—I go somersaulting through the air. Everything goes slow-mo. I watch in horror as Bitefighter darts from sock to sock, ripping them to shreds with his tiny paws and furious teeth. Dear God in heaven—what did we ever to deserve this horror?
And then before I know it I see Bitefighter coming for me, his tiny mouth yawing wide. If only I’d just—
Have your jerk-socks achieved sentience? Are they now trying to suffocate you with their disgusting crusty bodies? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜