Get some get some GET SOME! RUAAAHHH!!!!
I beat my chest with my fists, screaming until I’m red in the face, reveling in the feel of my blood-pumped arms, in my ankle-length piece as it jumps and twitches like a heavy nautical line dangling down from a mast.
I get under the loaded barbell and lift it off the rack. RUAH! ONE! RUAH! TWO! RUAHHHHHH!!!!
I lose myself in a surge of Pure Alpha Male as I keep going, powering one rep past my old PR, two reps, holy shit—THREE…
And then it all goes sideways. Gary Busey, grossest man alive, crashes through the ceiling, dressed in nothing but an ill-fitting pair of BBQ-stained tightey-whiteys. He rolls toward me in a jiggly mess of blub and man-boob, like a horrific version of Sonic the Hedgehog. I barely manage to rack the bar before he sweeps me off my feet and sits on my face. FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!
‘WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???” I scream as his oily dirt star eclipses my vision.
“Can’t have you getting TOO attractive—yer increasingly shapely keister keeps us Gross Dudes from getting any poon! Time to meet yer maker, Kent! HEH heh heh!”
Oh Christ—I can’t even begin to describe what this smells or feels like. The only phrase that come to mind is “warm cold-cuts dipped in pus.” I only have a few seconds before my mind and body suffer irreparable damage.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Chuck fucking Norris comes back-flipping through the gym, belting out an ear-piercingly loud, “ ’MERCA!” each time his feet hit the ground. When he’s within ten feet of Busey, he launches into a dazzlingly acrobatic 720 degree, triple-twist kick-flip. The end of his heel comes flashing around, decapitating Busey in a gory-yet-spectacular denim-clad arc.
Busey’s headless body slumps off me. I stagger to my feet, then bend down and clutch my knees. Pained gasp-sobs burst from my mouth. A few seconds later, they’re interrupted by a gush of 2000 PSI vomit.
“Thank you Chuck,” I manage. “God bless your crazy, over-denimed ass.”
“Not a problem!” He places both hands onto his hips. “Say, Kent…”
I straighten up and give him a weary look. “No Chuck—I do NOT want to strip naked and do bicep curls with you in front of a mirror.”
“Suit yerself.” He walks away, muttering, “Communist pussy.”
It’s all good—I’ve been called a pussy before; I’m pretty sure it’ll happen again. I can take it.
Gary Busey’s butthole…that’s a whole ’nother story.
Has some gross-as-hell, 1980s movie star interrupted your workout, and is now threatening to kill you with their unshaven starfish? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜