Huh? I rub my eyes with a shaky hand. Last thing I remember is waking up in my San Francisco apartment…
“GUN-DUNGAMUNG LUNG-BLOOPY FALLGLE!”
I shade my faced, attempting to block some of the glaringly bright sunlight. A hulking silhouette is looming directly over me, shaking a bulbous club above its head.
‘MERGANOOGA BLONKO-GOPPO! SHERBIE SNACK SKA-DOO!”
Holy SHIT! A goddamn caveman! Not just one—I cast a quick look around—there’s dozens of ’em!
“Now hold on a second,” I rise to my feet, holding my hand out in a let’s-take-it-easy gesture. “I’m not here to—”
“URGABOOGA NOBBERWOTZ!” He twitches forward and I fall back on my butt, an involuntary yelp flying from my lips. The rest of em close in, smacking their clubs against their palms, uttering a low, rhythmic “Urg. Urg. Urg.” with each smack. When they’re all standing over me, they look around at each other and exchange a speculative glance.
“Pooger?” one of them asks.
“Kuggle Muggen,” the first one responds.
The other one nods in agreement. “Gorkensnork. Punt-yunt.” He makes a hole with his left thumb and forefinger, then pistons his right index finger in and out of it. Then he draws his right thumb across his throat in a let’s-kill-this-fucker gesture.
Oh my God. They’re gonna cornhole me. Then they’re gonna cut me open.
“No!” I protest. “NO! NO PUNT-YUNT!”
“Punt-yunt.” The first one grins. “PUNT YUNT! PUNT YUNT!” The others take up the chant as they lean in, coating me in shadow.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Time freezes. My most promiscuous lover—Soccer Mom Prime—materializes before me in a glimmering drift of multicolored sparkles.
“Soccer Mom Prime!” I gasp. “Thank God you’re here! Please—save me from these murderous cretins!”
She gives me a gentle smile. “I’m not here for that, Kent—I’m here to tell you how to save yourself.”
“Save myself?” I cock my head, puzzled. “But—”
She looks around at the frozen barbarians. “In the depths of your heart, you’re the same as them.” She locks eyes with me. “You have to show them that.”
She lays a gentle hand onto my cheek. “It’s time for me to go. Can’t wait to get railed by that giant hog of yours.”
As she steps back and starts to fade, I reach desperately out for her. “No, S.M.P.! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE!” It doesn’t work; she keeps fading, slowly but steadily.
Wait a second…I’m just the same as them…giant hog…
Time snaps back to normal. The first barbarian lifts up his hide-kilt. As his enormous piece flops out, I yank off my pants, exposing my ginormous destructo-cock.
Barbarian #1 stops in his tracks. The others gasp and step back. Then they begin nodding.
“Snooker munga McTogglesnog!”
Then they hoist me onto their shoulders, chanting in their weird, guttural language. I can’t understand it, but I think I get the gist:
Us big-penised cavemen gotta stick together!
Have you been transported back through the time-space continuum, and now need to convince a passel of angry-as-fuck cavemen to leave your pooper alone, and to not slit your throat? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜