First day at my new job! Gonna leave all that scantron nonsense behind and never look back! I’ll never have to worry about GPAs, disgruntled professors, finally start earning some real paper…
“Kent Wayne!” My new boss—Herbert Kornfeld—slaps me on the back as I walk into his office . “Good to have you with us! We here at All-World Compliance value each and every one of our employees, so long as they hew to the company culture. On your resume you stated you’ve been a lifelong nerd…”
“Absolutely, sir.” I give him my best snort/laugh. “I can tell you exactly how Batman beat Superman in Frank Miller’s seminal classic ‘The Dark Knight Returns,’ and how ‘Dawn of Justice’ completely fucked it up. You’re looking at a consummate geek, Mr. Kornfeld.”
He slaps me on the back again. “Good, good! That’s exactly what I like to hear. Not only are all our employees steeped in nerdery, none of them have possess a phallus any greater than two inches in length, three inches in circumference. I’m sure you’ll fit right in.”
Wait—what? Uh-oh. I’m packing a hefty amount of meat between my thighs. But I should be fine, as long as I walk slowly so that my trousers don’t shift too mu—
He walks us over to my new workspace. “Guys!” I want you to say hi to our newest addition—Kent Wayne!”
He claps me extra hard on the back and I lose my balance, stumbling forward and catching myself on my hands. Due to the unexpected momentum, my ankle-length wiener jumps and writhes within my pants’ leg; I look like I’m smuggling an oversized python in the middle of a taser-seizure.
Conversation stops. Eyes widen.
One of them shouts: “HE’S HUNG LIKE A SPERM WHALE! RIP HIS GUTS OUT THROUGH HIS BUTTHOLE AND CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH EM!!!”
“NO!” I scream, raising my hands and shuffling backward. “PLEASE—I DIDN’T MEAN TO SHAME YOU! DON’T KILL ME!”
But my desperate entreaty doesn’t do a damn thing; they come at me in a snarling mess, like a horde of just-turned fast-zoms from 28 Days Later.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A multicolored lightning bolt crashes down through the ceiling, forming into a brilliant half-dome on the linoleum floor. Within that incandescent crackle of aetheric energy, I see a figure start to form; he’s dressed in a sharp-ass suit, no tie, one knee down in an anime-style crouch.
As the last of the light dims and fades, Neil De Grasse Tyson rises to his feet. He grasps his suit-jacket, cricks his neck to the right, and snaps his lapels with a brisk pull.
“Nerds!” he declares in a booming, sonorous voice. “You have all been persecuted throughout your lives—shunned for your stunningly horrific BO, your laughably small gonads, and your pimple-riddled faces! But now…” He dips his head, closes his eyes, and shakes a single, stern finger. “Now you would visit the same injustice on one of your own…FOR A GIFT IMPARTED BY NATURE ITSELF!” His eyes fly open. As he scans their ranks with a passion-fired gaze, he raises both arms towards the sky.
“Think of the Soccer Moms—they NEED a man like this!”
Uncertain murmurs run through the nerds. A second later, they begin nodding slowly, then lower to their knees and prostrate themselves before The Great And Powerful Neil, just like the Ewoks did with C3PO.
“We’re sorry, Supreme Nerd-Lord—”
“—see the error of our ways—”
“—accept him as one of our own—”
Tyson slaps me on the shoulder and throws me a wink. Before I can thank him, he says, “Anytime, Kent—any time.” Then he shoves both index fingers into the corners of his mouth and summons a monkey-headed unicorn with a piercing whistle. He hops on to its back, then flies off into the sky.
A single tear trickles down my right cheek.
Thank you Neil Degrasse Tyson…for all you do to support us monster-penised nerds. God bless your eloquent ass.
(Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA!)
Are you being persecuted for your unimaginably gorgeous genitalia? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜