We’re naked and kneeling, hands cuffed behind our backs, lined up for Martha Stewart’s sadistic viewing pleasure.  With each step, her scrotum-shriveling armor clanks and pulses—it’s a blend of Sauron-edged layers and modular quantum tech.

“You call yourselves Man Whores?” she sneers.  “Pathetic.  Look at this.”  She stops at Gosling and gives him a contemptuous once-over.  “Thing’s soft as fuck—you can bend it at the root and suck it from the back.  Who wants to fuck a goddamn sponge?”  She punts him in the groin with her booted foot.  To his credit, Ryan doesn’t budge.  The only sign of pain is a single tear that leaks from his eye as Martha moves on to Timothy Chalamet. 

“Check it out.”  She scoffs and looks around at her rifle-toting guards, all of whom are clad in Mandalorian-style helmets.  “His sack could double as a flattened-out turkey wattle.  If you’re hitting it doggy, how are you gonna slap the clit with your balls?” 

Timothy drops his gaze and quietly weeps. 

“You.”  She stops in front of Bradley Cooper.  “You’re packing a curve, but it droops instead of rises.  Tell me—why would I fuck GONZO’S FREAKY-ASS NOSE???”  She gets right in his face and his lips start quivering.  A second later, he cracks and sobs.

Skarsgard is next.  “Jesus Christ.”  She flings a hand at his piece.  “Looks like a goddamn mutant baby mole rat.  Ever heard of tanning, you albino-penised fuck?”  He tries to speak, but she hits him with a slap.  For good measure, she follow up with a forehand/backhand, eliciting bitchmade shrieks from the Hollywood thespian.

“Kent fucking Wayne.”  She stares right in my eyes.  “Now THIS is what I’m talking about.  Girth, upcurve, the perfect amount of melanin…”  A trickle of drool slips out from her mouth.  She wipes it away, pulls a giant summer sausage sheathed on her hip, and starts poking my face with its smelly tip.  As I squint and turn in an effort to avoid the meat, she whispers, “Yes…yes…it’s perfect.”

Fuck this.  I REALLY don’t wanna know what she’ll do with that fuckwurst.  So with a massive burst of effort, I flex my arms and snap the cuffs—HRRRNNNGHH!—then grab her eReader out from her purse.  I ninja-roll sideways and open it to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My wiener unravels from my thigh—fwip-fwip-FWIP—growing to gargantuan, city-killer proportions.  It rears back and howls into the full-moon sky, blurring the air and rattling our skulls.  It begins to slam up and down, cracking pavement and ravaging the earth, laying absolute waste to Martha’s supervillain-worthy compound.  Guards scream and wail as they’re smashed beneath glans or thrown dozens of feet in random directions.  After several minutes of Death Penis chaos, I pole-vault away on my enormous hog, bounding across the terrain like the Incredible Hulk.

Kent Wayne escapes again! 

😀

Has Martha Stewart imprisoned you in her compound, then subjected you to unreasonably harsh genital judgment?  Never fear!  Buy my books, endow your nether bits with unmatchable strength, and lay waste to her estate before escaping her clutches!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

I’ve finally attained Force Ghost status, but my traitorous peers have turned against me!  I thrash violently with my mind, trying to free my astral presence from their psionic lock, but they’ve pinned my ass to a space-time approximate.

“What the FUCK?!?” I fume.  “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???”

They avert their gazes.  Kenobi mutters, “You’ve been monopolizing the available astral women.  Once you transitioned into a spirit, we thought you would leave your Man-Whore days behind you.  I appreciate everything you’ve taught me, but—”

“Go FUCK YOURSELF!” I rage. 

Luke Skywalker’s bitch-ass screeches, “Fuck me yourself, you coward!”  Then he looks around in mortification.  “That came out wrong.  I meant—”

Mace Windu tears into him with, “I have had it with this motherfucking sister-kisser, in this motherfucking astral realm!  That shit you pulled on the Death Star and Hoth was straight-up disgu—”

Anakin holds up a hand.  “Enough.  Kent, we apologize.  While I find it regrettable, you need to be completely deconstructed.  Your luscious astral penis destroys our chances of attracting any potential mates.”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I rip an arm free of their Force-powered freeze, reach into my astral robe, and open my astral eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Shmi Skywalker appears by my side and regards the Jedi with astonishment and fury.  “Why have you imprisoned this award-winning Man Whore?”

Anakin rubs his eyes with a thumb and a forefinger.  “Mom, you don’t understand.  Just step aside and—”

“Never!  This man deserves justice!”  She starts licking my face and grabbing my junk.

“Mom!”  Anakin extends a hand in protest.  “MOM!”

Padme materializes out of the aether and looks me up and down in surprise and delight.  “Holy shit!  An award-winning Man Whore!”  She gives my nuts an appreciative squeeze, then joins Shmi in the on-ramp to debauchery.

Anakin’s eyes widen in anguish.  “PADME?!?  No, don’t—”

“Hit it from the back!”  Shmi raises her skirt and I happily comply.  While I’m shlorping away, she makes eye contact with Anakin.  “Gonna shuffle up linearity, and give you a little psychic surprise:  I’ve made your unborn self aware of Kent’s girthy upcurve, thrusting toward your face while you’re still in the womb.  That should hop-skip across the temporal divide, and—”

Anakin drops to his knees and clutches his eyes.  “Agh!  Mom, no—I can smell his nasty-ass frenulum!  It kills, IT KILLS!”

The other Jedi exchange a panic-threaded glance.  “That’s right, assholes!” I gloat.  “Wanna see me widen out your moms and/or girlfriends?  No?  Then you’d best be on your merry fucking way!”

They all vanish in a sparkling twinkle.  All except for Anakin—I keep him there for a good five minutes, subject to the worst fate you can inflict on a hater.  The NOOOOO he unleashes puts the one he did at the end of the third shitty prequel to absolute, unequivocal shame. 

HEH heh heh!  Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Have uptight Jedi decided you’re a threat to their micropeens?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon their moms and girlfriends, and sex up some vajeens in front of their hating-ass faces! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing