Tag: humor

Time to punch out.  Grab the wallet, the phone, hoodie…hop in the car, start the engine…ok, let’s plug the jack into my phone and fire up a podcast… Wait—this isn’t my phone.  What the… Oh no—I’ve taken Susie Wellington’s phone by mistake!  I spin the wheel, taking the next exit, then another one so I…

WITHIN THE GUT OF KENT WAYNE, PROLIFIC AUTHOR AND CONSUMMATE MAN WHORE:   “MICROBES…ATTTAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!” I, microbe 14673 of the 670th Gastro Intestinal Brigade, charge the fresh rush of mountain dew, special edition biscuits n’ gravy lays potato chips, accompanied by the obligatory mouthful of Elmer’s Paste (someone tell me—why the fuck is this asshole maowing down glue…

65 MILLION YEARS AGO… Hey how ya doin’!  Kent Wayne, super sexy velociraptor here.  Right now I’m being chased across the plains by a bunch of douchebag T-Rexes ‘cos I boned their super hot, super neglected saurian wives.  Don’t blame me—if they’d been slinging their giant dino-wieners right, then their chickadees wouldn’t have— Wait, what’s…

Taylor Swift fixes me with a meaningful stare. “Do you understand what it’s like to be me, Kent?  Adored by billions, the entire world at my disposal, constantly surrounded by an army of yes-people?  It makes you a little…wonky.”  Her smile widens.  “Has anyone told you you have beautiful ears?  This one looks just like…

Spicy sausage GOOD!  Ghost pepper burrito YUM!  Jalapeno egg salad McNOM! Jar o’ kimchi?  Don’t mind if I do!  All manner of stinky cheese?  Yes please!  Exotic hot sauce engineered in a lab where they used the mystic power of Science to amplify its hotness by a thousand-fold?  Give it here! NOMPF GLOMPF MOMPF!  …

THIS MORNING, AS REPORTED BY CHIP BARKER, THE NEWS WORLD’S TOP TALKING HEAD: “After engineering the worldwide collapse of multiple banking systems, Kent Wayne’s penis was found guilty of masterminding a recent assassination attempt directed toward the United States Congress and three foreign legislatures.  Luckily, government agencies were able to prevent his dastardly plot from…

“Hey Kent.”  Chuck Norris keeps his gaze fixed on the heavy bag, hopping in place and counting his roundhouse kicks.  “Ten thousand one…ten thousand two…”  He stops, jumps into a ballerina-esque triple toe-spin, then leaps toward me, throwing a reverse punch that stops an inch from my nose.  “HA!” he exclaims, eyes narrowing.  “Spared yer…

By Gandalf Greyham’s insanely long, knee-knocking scrotum!!!  Today is the LAST day that Echo 2, 3, 4, and Echo 1 & 2 Combined Edition are $0.99!  Give your aloof-faced cat a narrow-eyed stare, tell it in your best, eighties-style action-hero voice they’re not gonna eat your motherfucking face, not today, you furry little psychopath, and go tell everybody to…

YarDoobleNerble McGorkenThocken!!!  Today is the LAST day that Echo 2, 3, 4, and Echo 1 & 2 Combined Edition are $0.99!  Take a furtive, delicious whiff of whatever Grossness you’ve smeared on your fingers, and go tell everybody!  WHOOO!!! I’ll be posting a variant of this ad in the morning and afternoon until the sale ends on August 22.  Apologies…