THIS MORNING, AS REPORTED BY CHIP BARKER, THE NEWS WORLD’S TOP TALKING HEAD:
“After engineering the worldwide collapse of multiple banking systems, Kent Wayne’s penis was found guilty of masterminding a recent assassination attempt directed toward the United States Congress and three foreign legislatures. Luckily, government agencies were able to prevent his dastardly plot from coming to fruition, thwarting the latest in a long line of evil schemes…”
It was at that point I bolted up in my comfy chair, spewing out a mouthful of my special collector’s edition Star Wars n’ Batman Lucky Charms.
No fucking WAY!
Since just this morning, Me and Wiener have survived a high-speed car chase, a shootout in Prague, and hand-to-hand combat in an experimental fighter jet. Now we’re running across the top of a bullet train, fleeing from a squad of special-ops goons.
“NOWHERE TO RUN, KENT!” The lead goon calls. “GIVE YOURSELF UP AND WE’LL TAKE IT EASY ON YOU! YOUR PHALLIC PARTNER IS A WORLD-CLASS CRIMINAL—HE DESERVES TO DIE!”
“NO!” I scream back, clutching Wiener tightly to my chest. “YOU’RE WRONG! HE’S A GODDAMN HERO!”
“WE’RE TAKING YOU IN, KENT! YOU AND YOUR DISGUSTINGLY GIANT WOMB-HAMMER!” Bullets zip by me. One of them creases my hair and I yelp like a bitch.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Suddenly, a blitz of data streams through the internet, hijacking peoples’ devices and exposing them to the truth. Wiener isn’t guilty—how could he be? He’s pleasured legions of Soccer Moms, and given nothing but the best of himself. Sure, he may smell bad when I forget to wipe beneath the head-ridge, but he’s one of the kindest, most generous souls to ever walk the earth.
My pursuers straighten in place, shocked by the data feeding into their augmented-reality sunglasses. A single tear trickles down their leader’s face.
“His penis isn’t a killer.” The man’s voice trembles with held-back emotion. “It’s an American Icon. Let’s go, men.”
Whew! Just another day in the life of Kent Wayne and Wiener!
Have you and your genitals been wrongly framed of heinous, world-shattering crimes? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜