Spicy sausage GOOD! Ghost pepper burrito YUM! Jalapeno egg salad McNOM!
Jar o’ kimchi? Don’t mind if I do! All manner of stinky cheese? Yes please! Exotic hot sauce engineered in a lab where they used the mystic power of Science to amplify its hotness by a thousand-fold? Give it here!
NOMPF GLOMPF MOMPF!
TWO HOURS LATER…
I crawl on my belly towards the bathroom, my asshole pulsing like an evil, sentient nexus. A single tear trickles down my right cheek as I inch forward on my elbows, breathing in short, halting gasps. My ten lb. terrier—Bitefighter—clamps down on my right sleeve and scoots backward, trying to help me to the toilet.
“ROWF ARF MCBARK!” (Don’t you DARE relax your sphincter; you’ll reset civilization as we know it! Come on, damn you—COME ON!)
“I can’t,” I whimper. “Save yourself, Bitey—I’m not gonna make it.”
“ORF ROOF YARFOLOGIST!” (DON’T TALK LIKE THAT; THIS ISN’T A VIETNAM MOVIE, FUCKER! GET YOUR ASS ONTO THE TOILET !)
I lock eyes with him and his face goes slack with horror. Inevitability hits him like a punch to the nuts. He knows–he knows we’re fucked.
Then I realize I have one option left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Just as my asshole expands with several tons of Gross, an interstellar spaceship forms around it, enclosing me and Bitefighter in a high-tech shell of star-crafted alloy. There’s a special port just for my ass, which is the only thing hanging outside the ship. As we take off and hit the stratosphere, Earth dies a horrid death.
Finally, after my guts finish emptying, the ship closes over my world-ending behind. I look at the exterior cams, watching as my home world falls into ruin. My lips draw back in a whoops-that-did-NOT-turn-out-like-I-intended grimace.
Oh well! Time to chart a course to Alpha Gaurnaki Four, mythical planet ruled by uber hot soccer moms! The adventures of Kent Wayne and Bitefighter continue!
Have you eaten too much spicy goodness and are now in danger of unleashing unspeakable evil from your trembling backside? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜