Tag: humor

“No—NO!”  My wiener twists and writhes as I grab him by the neck.  I palm the glans with both hands and try to force it into a bucket filled with soapy water…but Wiener’s so damn strong; we’re locked in a stalemate.  Veins bulge from my forehead as I quiver and lurch.  I’m locked in a…

“He’s gone too far this time,” Cole Johnson sobbed.  A long string of snot dangled from his left nostril.  “I found him and my mom on top of the couch, going at it like a couple of hyenas.  Once they were done, the cushions weighed fifty pounds each.  THAT’S how much they nutted—It’s fucking obscene!”…

“Steel your hearts, warriors.”  Our Viking raid leader, Cnut Svarlbard, stares grimly at us from beneath the shadow of his iron helmet.  He clutches his battle-axe with both hands, his gnarled knuckles pulsing and shifting as he rhythmically squeezes the leather-wrapped haft. “STROKE!  STROKE!  STROKE!”  Our corded arms move in perfect tandem, flipping the oars…

Ha HA!  Time to fire up dat coffee and get to writing my next book! I beatbox happily as I make my way over to the Keurig, fill my mug with a fresh cup of adulting juice, and plunk down into my office chair. Wait a sec…my laptop…screen’s not starting… I tap the keys and…

As I cruise to a stop (red light) I rest my hand atop the wheel and lean back in my seat, smiling over at the soccer mom in the SUV to my left.  She curls her hair behind her ear with her index and middle finger, and gives me a smile.  I return it, then…

Can I chance it?  Yes?  Good. I stop chewing on a glucose molecule and trigger my neurokinetic relay. “Neuron 2, this is Neuron 1.  How copy?  Over.” “Read you Lima Charlie, Neuron 1.  I already know what you’re going to ask, and yes—True Hamster has finally fallen asleep.” Confused?  Here’s a quick synopsis:  Kent Wayne…

As I munch happily away on a slice of pizza, I cue up the latest episode of Adventure Time and take a puff off that California super-weed that directs your mind’s eye straight into the center of Iluvatar’s butthole.  Man, could life get ANY better? But then, from several rooms away, Irma Horfendorff (now my…

LugDonkleSnoggle EnThooginPorgey!  Today is the LAST day that Echo 2, 3, and 4 will be $0.99 !  Stop humming along to eighties synth music, stabbing that voodoo effigy you made out of chunks of lip gloss and expired sausage, and go tell everybody!  (Where would you GET such an idea???  Weirdo!)  BunDizzleSnonk!  🙂 🙂 😀 I’ll be posting…

ElDooleyFace NarBonkleTonkle!  Today is the LAST day that Echo 2, 3, and 4 will be $0.99 !  Quit hemming and hawing, wondering if your smegma is gonna smell good this time as opposed to all those others (trust me–it isn’t), get your fingers out of your pants, and go tell everybody!  DogFOGGLEyonkers!  🙂 🙂 😀 I’ll be posting…