As I cruise to a stop (red light) I rest my hand atop the wheel and lean back in my seat, smiling over at the soccer mom in the SUV to my left. She curls her hair behind her ear with her index and middle finger, and gives me a smile. I return it, then give her the thumb-and-forefinger sign for “call me.” She throws her head back, laughs, then flips her hand down in an “oh YOU,” style wave.
(I’m glad she isn’t in this olfactory horror show that passes for my jeep. She wouldn’t be smiling because she wouldn’t have a face; it’d be melted clean off her goddamn skull.)
That’s why whenever someone asks if we should ride together, I always tell them my car is in the auto shop, so we should take theirs. I’ve embedded so many damn farts into my driver-side seat that if someone was riding with me, I’d have to remain absolutely still; a sudden shift in body weight could release the unmentionable evil contained in the cushion. I can’t imagine what would happen if I were to drive around with the windows down; the ensuing catastrophe would be on par with that big-ass meteor that killed the dinosaurs sixty five million years ag—
Cr-CRACK! OH-SHIT!!! A BIRD JUST CRASHED INTO THE WINDSHIELD!!!
I swerve desperately to avoid further damage, screaming like a man-bitch as the unfortunate avian withers into a dry, withered husk, courtesy of my repulsive ass gas. A second later, its desiccated corpse bursts into flames. If I can find a large enough body of water, I can drive my car into it and dilute the gas before it can—
The bird withers even further, narrowing into a spindly black twist and falling into my lap. Holy shit, the windshield’s been breached and the hole is WIDE OPEN! MOTHER OF GOD, NO!!!
The vegetation around us instantly turns brown, then erupts into a lurid mess of crackling flames. A second later, buildings follow suit and turn into glaring infernos. Innocent pedestrians stumble and gag, clutching at their necks as blood and organs fountain out from their mouths. Above the fart-darkened horizon, a local news chopper spins round and round in smoke-wreathed circles. It smashes into a skyscraper, breaking the structure’s concrete facade into a mess of fragments.
“No,” I whisper. Tears stream down my quivering cheeks. “NO!!!”
The end is nigh–it has not arrived with a dying whimper, but in a horrendous blast of gas and fire. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Time slows to a craaaaawwwll…
Stop. Rewind. Play.
I swerve out of the way just as the bird comes streaking toward my windshield. Whew! That was CLOSE! Time to get my car back into its hermetically sealed airlock, then get to writing!
Kent Wayne escapes a world-ending apocalypse! Ha HA!
Have you accidentally unleashed every drop of Evil you’ve farted into your driver-side seat? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜