As I munch happily away on a slice of pizza, I cue up the latest episode of Adventure Time and take a puff off that California super-weed that directs your mind’s eye straight into the center of Iluvatar’s butthole. Man, could life get ANY better?
But then, from several rooms away, Irma Horfendorff (now my ex) perforates my eardrums with a shrill scream: “KENT FUCKING WAYNE! WHERE THE HELL ARE MY DIAMONDS??? YOU BETTER PRESENT THEM TO ME ON BENDED KNEE, IN THE MIDDLE OF A HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE OVER A PASTORAL COUNTRYSIDE! AND GOD HELP YOU IF THE WEATHER’S BAD—IF THERE’S SO MUCH AS A SINGLE DROP OF RAIN, I’M GONNA LOP OFF YOUR NUTS WITH A DULL SPOON!”
I leap up from my comfy chair, whimpering and sniveling like a level 99 man-bitch, looking frantically from side to side. My pendulous nuts instantly retract; they turn from low-hanging ankle-knockers into a flat patch of skin that seamlessly merges with my taint and my pelvis. My seeming lack of ball-sticles is cold comfort and I’ll tell you why: Irma Horfendorff’s a consummate sadist—if she can’t lop off some nut-meat, she’s gonna take a couple feet off my award-winning salami.
“KENT WAYNE!” Irma storms into the room, clutching a wooden spoon in her right hand. “YOU DIDN’T ANSWER ME IN THE REQUIRED TIMEFRAME! IT’S BEEN A HELLUVA LOT LONGER THAN TWO SECONDS, AND YOU DAMN WELL KNOW IT!”
“AhGodPlease!” I extend my arms in a halting gesture. “Don’t chop off my clit-hammers! Just leave me alone—for the love of GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Too late.” As she advances toward me, shadows draw long across her malicious grin. With each step, she slaps the bowl of the spoon against her open palm.
Shit. No options left. So I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The device’s screen explodes with dazzling holograms—screenshots of texts, properly cited academic articles, logically sound proofs…Irma stumbles back, shielding her eyes and screaming bloody murder.
“NO!” she hollers. “MY ONE WEAKNESS—VERIFIABLE FACTS!!! ARRRRRRHHHHH!!!!”
I throw an elbow into the window and crash through the pane. As I flow up from my roll and flee the scene, my lips spread wide in a cheese-eating grin. I can hear Irma cursing me in between shrieks:
“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE! DAAAAAAMMMMNNN YOOOOOOUUuuuuuu…”
Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA!
Need a quick dose of The Facts to repel your evil Ex? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜