Can I chance it? Yes? Good.
I stop chewing on a glucose molecule and trigger my neurokinetic relay.
“Neuron 2, this is Neuron 1. How copy? Over.”
“Read you Lima Charlie, Neuron 1. I already know what you’re going to ask, and yes—True Hamster has finally fallen asleep.”
Confused? Here’s a quick synopsis: Kent Wayne lacks a prefrontal cortex. Accordingly, all decisions are routed through a super-smart hamster that runs on a wheel, aka True Hamster. This furry piece of shit has oppressed us Neurons since time immemorial. Ever since we were born into the brain of a doofy-as-fuck, dick-slangin’ Man Whore, we’ve been trying to take control and cause him to go on a veiny-cocked rampage the likes of which has never been seen since Genghis Khan jizzed into thousands of vajeens and made a measurable impact on present-day humanity’s genetic makeup. Now’s our chance.
“Alright,” I whisper. “We’ve all trained for this. Minimize neurotransmitter use—don’t give away our plan with sloppy comms discipline. Status on wiener?”
“Full mast,” Neuron 2 whispers back. “Dribble of precum dangling from the glans.”
“Sweet.” If I had lips, they’d curve up into a smile. “All teams go.”
In a matter of seconds, every rebel cell takes control. Kent gallops out of bed on all fours, hooting and hollering. We all scream in joy as he charges down the sidewalk, his ankle-length piece quivering and jumping like a goddamn jousting lance. Yes—YES! THIS is what a Man Whore was made for, know whu’m saying??? BOOYAH!
Neuron 3 delivers a sitrep. He tries to keep it professional, but the excitement in his voice is clearly audible: “Soccer Mom, three o’ clock. Hot as balls.”
I shift an electro-chemical lever, diverting comms to the legs and core. “Leg Commander, Core Commander, you got this?”
“We got this,” they reply in unison.
Kent Wayne springs toward the Soccer Mom, wraps his arms tightly around her thigh, and starts humping her calf. She squeals in disgust and beats him about the face and shoulders with clenched fists. When that doesn’t work, she fumbles for a taser and juices him up with 50,000 volts. Kent spasms on the ground and gibbers nonsensically, evoking laughs and jeers from nearby bystanders. We remain completely unaffected; sorry, lady, the amount of sheer stupid contained within Kent’s body can shield us from damn near anything.
“HEH heh heh!” I twiddle my fingers as Kent unleashes his asparagus-tainted Gooeys, spattering his chest and belly with foul jism. Before he can lock onto another target, a thunderous voice echoes through his skull:
“Just what in the FUCK do you Neurons think you’re doing???” SHIT! True Hamster’s just woken up.
I feel a momentary flash of panic, but it quickly disappears. “We’re in full control!” I yell. “There’s no stopping us, you disgusting rodent! Strap yourself in and enjoy the—”
Then he reaches into Kent’s distorted psyche and taps into the concept for the story called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“Fuuuuck! FUUUUUCKKKK!!!” My cussing gives way to anguished screams as our monitors go dark, one by one. Instead of first-person views from Kent Wayne’s peepers, we’re inundated by a torrent of horrific images:
Pictures of Kent’s unshaven asshole.
“NYYYAAAAAAHHH!!!” As Mouth lets loose with a horrified wail, Hands come up and clutch both sides of Head, while Eyes roll aimlessly around in their sockets. Every one of us relinquishes control of the Host Body; at this point, we’re simply trying to cling to our sanity. It’s nearly impossible—Kent’s starfish looks like a cross between a mutant spider and an interdimensional monster that’d make H.P. Lovecraft cry himself to sleep.
Finally, after I claw my way back from the brink of madness, I slump forward and break into muffled sobs.
“That’s what you get,” True Hamster intones gravely. “Think you got what it takes to run the Host Body? Think again, fuckers.”
Jesus Christ—it wasn’t worth it.
It wasn’t fucking worth it.
Have your rebellious neurons taken control of your body and caused you to go buck fucking nuts? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜