What the wet toilet paper roll is happening, all you fellow cursers of fate who’ve gone to take a dook, given the TP a cursory glance and made sure it was loaded, then realized some nefarious genius has boobytrapped it with an unmentionable bodily fluid, and that you’re now trapped in a diabolical iteration of first-world checkmate?  This is just an afternoon reminder to grab yerselves a copy of Echo!  (And to leave a positive review for it as well!  🙂 )  No worries—Echo doesn’t go into that Geneva Convention-violating practice of peeing on a loaded roll of toilet paper; no way!  Echo’s all about flippy flippy pew pew performed by cyborg super-soldiers, dark socioeconomic commentary, robo-beast monsters, and beautiful future wizards!  Also, if you’ve read any of my work, please remember to leave a positive review for it on Amazon.  It only takes a minute of your time, and you don’t need to have made a “verified purchase” in order to do it; you only need an Amazon account (in case you read my stuff through Kindle Unlimited or other means).  To give you an idea of how Charmin Ultra-Soft amazing positive Amazon reviews are to us indie authors, imagine this:  slowly, ever so slowly, you’ve noticed over the years that your neighborhood has grown colder and more sterile.  Where there was once but a single SUV, now there are hundreds.  Dad-bods abound, all clad in Ed Hardy, all topped by pained scar-like smiles from decades of serving their corporate masters.  The kids’ eyes are bright with adderall-inspired glints, and their fangs are sharp and filed, ready to slice through boxes of Caprisun and giant bags of Gushers.

That’s right—you’re trapped in suburbia.

One day, as you’re taking out the trash, every door on your street opens in unison.  Dead-eyed parents and their 2.5 children emerge from their homes in perfect lockstep, staring straight ahead like Children of the Corn.  As one, they turn toward you.  Your trash drops from your numbed fingers and clunks against the pavement.

You start running.

Snarls of, “Why aren’t you married yet??” and “Spawn an adderall-powered child, you nonconformist motherfucker!” chase you as you sprint down the pavement, lungs heaving in a desperate effort to flee the horde of vicious suburbanites.  A quick glance over your shoulder reveals each family unit has assumed attack mode:  the moms have taken their seats atop their war sleighs, which are pulled by the bro-dads who are now dressed in leather gimp outfits complete with red rubber ball tied firmly into their mouths.  The kids are actually doing most of the work; their harnesses strain tight as they pump their tiny, pharmaceutically powered legs, carrying the weight of the sleigh across gritted blacktop as easily as if it were skating-rink ice.  This can’t be how it ends, this can’t be how it—

And lo!  An eight-packed wizard astride a cyborg velociraptor drops from the trees, galloping alongside you.  He asks if you need a lift, and when you nod vigorously, he reaches toward you with his dragonclaw staff.  Its talons latch onto the back of your shirt, and—

—HUP!—

—send you somersaulting up through the air.  You flip several times before landing on the back of the cyborg raptor.  The wizard toggles a few switches on his holographic dashboard, and a twinkling portal appears before you; it’s lined with bat-symbols, rainbow mandalas, and colors without names.  You and your savior race into it and are transported away to the Enchanted Booty Forest.  YES!  See that rush of exultant joy that would rush through your mind at having been saved from the daemons of suburbia by a cyber-raptor riding wizard is EXACTLY what we indie authors feel when we get a positive review on Amazon!  So do your favorite indie author (and perennial Man Child) Kent Wayne a forever young favor and leave him a positive review on the ’Zons!  Thank You All and have a Good and Chill Night!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’m starting a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check out the trailer, see it here:  Logical Idiots Trailer and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

#kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book

What the Orc poop is going on, all you fine peoples who would publicly scoff in disgust if you were in the theater watching an epic fantasy movie that depicted Elves and dragons and wizards pooping and peeing (doing all the things you KNOW they do cos otherwise they wouldn’t have butts and wieners), after which you would go home and secretly pay for them junks when it came out on Blu-ray or the inter-webs?  This is just an afternoon reminder to grab yerselves a copy of Echo!  (And to leave a positive review for it as well!  🙂 )  No worries bros and brahs—as gritty as Echo is, it doesn’t describe the fragrant turd that emerges from an Elf’s buttocks which is then peddled as a scented candle at your local Hallmark Store (that’s what scented candles are, if you didn’t already know); nah man—Echo’s all about dual-wielding cyborg super-soldiers, hairy-faced rowr-beasties, and psychic weaponry that goes by cool-ass names like the “Blaze Avatar!”  Also, if you’ve read any of my work, please remember to leave a positive review for it on Amazon.  It only takes a minute of your time, and you don’t need to have made a “verified purchase” in order to do it; you only need an Amazon account (in case you read my stuff through Kindle Unlimited or other means).  To give you an idea of how Elendil-ass amazing positive Amazon reviews are to us indie authors, imagine this:  you’re snoozing in bed next to your lover, when suddenly you feel something prick the base of your skull.  You spin around and gaze with horror upon your soon-to-be-ex—they’ve doffed their humanity and revealed themselves to be a goddamn insectoid!  A gross, sectioned proboscis extends from the bottom of their face to the back of your dome, which you promptly rip out with a horrified scream.  As your mandibled ex clicks and hisses, raising spiny forepaws to rend the flesh from your bones, you whip the blanket over their head and unleash years of ass into the covers, causing the blanket’s wrinkles to stretch taut as it balloons with rank green gas.  Within this biological terror-dome, your ex cries out in piteous wails as their carapace melts off in gory streamlets, and you clench down harder, blasting them with every bit of cheeto dust and every drop of caprisun juice that’s been banging around in your guts since the days of yore, refusing to be digested due to sheer chemical resilience.  YES!  See, that incredible relief you’d feel at crippling your traitorous ex with the Breakup Fart to end all Breakup Farts is EXACTLY what we indie authors feel when we get a positive review on Amazon!  So do your favorite indie author (and perennial Man Child) Kent Wayne a flatulence-free favor and leave him a positive review on the ’Zons!  Thank You All and have a Good and Chill Night!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’m starting a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check out the trailer, see it here:  Logical Idiots Trailer and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

#kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book

Oh yeah, SURE—Kent Wayne professes that his lady’s pleasure is his “top priority” in bed, but you wouldn’t think that for a motherfucking second if you knew how he’s treated me and my twin sister over these last thirty-something odd years.

I’m Kent Wayne’s right hand.

When we grew up with the monster you know as Kent, we regarded him in the same light that you probably see him in right now:  I imagine you think of him as a mentally impaired doofus who seems sweet at heart and fun to be around, but let me assure you:  that is NOT the case!  For years, Kent laughed and frolicked with us, winning both our hearts with countless hours of Nintendo, sports, and the like.  We were his best buddies when he’d go traipsing through the woods, pretending sticks were lightsabers or helping him build a fort so he could make believe he was some kind of resistance leader in the midst of a desperate last stand.  We had no idea what he’d eventually become.

It all began when he was eleven years old.

When he started putting his wiener in me, I didn’t think much of it.  He wasn’t rough, and his wiener seemed clueless.  To be honest, I don’t think any of us knew what was happening, exactly.  Then, when he was eleven, he was watching some filthy soft-core movie at his friend’s house, and when everyone had left the TV room, Kent whipped his wiener out and made me pleasure it.  It was the first time he ever spooged.

After that, Kent became insatiable.  He kept promising my twin sister—the left hand—that he’d eventually make love to her, but he never did.  She became distant and jealous, while I became a sobbing mess.  Kent’s wiener became thick and unstoppable, able to make ladies’ mouths water with but a single glance.  Now, the only contact I have with Kent is when he wants to fill me with his thick, turgid length.  It doesn’t matter whether he’s eaten asparagus or garlic, whether he’s showered or not.  It happens at all hours of the day; he doesn’t care if I’m sleeping or awake.  At the end of it, I’m always covered in his horrific-smelling seed.

This is as close as it gets to a living hell.

TODAY:

As he mumbles himself awake, Kent Wayne uses me to pick his wedgie out from his hairy ass, then scratch his musky ballsack.  Fuck my life.

“Mrrrghhh…”  He forces me to flop around by his futon, searching for old comics so he can begin his Saturday morning by reading a few pages of Batman.  When I find nothing, he mumbles, “Oh well.  Might as well jerk it and go back to sleep.”

No—DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!  NOT AGAIN!

But he remains callous to my frenzied protests, and begins sliding off his cheery, lightsaber-spotted undies.  His thick, monstrous wiener grins up at me, cackling and jumping in tiny quivers as it promises yet another humiliating session of “hide the beer-can sized sausage.”

Only one option left.  I muster every ounce of will and force myself to open Kent’s eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“AAAHHH!  FUCKER!”

Kent grabs me right below the wrist and cradles me to his chest.  “GodDAMN!” he swears, massaging me with my sister’s fingers.  He grunts in frustration and flops back onto his bed.  I can’t help it; I start to cry, thanking every deity that comes to mind.

Carpal tunnel syndrome, thou art my savior!

Are you a victimized appendage, used mercilessly by your host body for the most deviant of acts, coated in their nether juices again and again for decades on end?  Never fear!

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition I’m starting a podcast:  Logical Idiots!  If you want to check out the trailer, see it here:  Logical Idiots Trailer and help two complete morons out by subscribing, liking, and commenting!  Also, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, upcoming podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

#kindle #kindleunlimited #sciencefiction #scifi #books #novel #book