Tag: humor

Laser-eyed dinosaurs!  Fifty-foot robo-suits!  Tenser’s Dancing Sword, + 3 vs. the undead, +5 vs. all others!  And holy mama jama, my favorite lusty mothers from MyFriendsHotmom dot co— “KENT!”  Ms. Horfendorff, my sixth-grade teacher, slams her hand down on my desk, waking me up from my 3rd period nap.  “Kent Wayne!  You do not—I repeat,…

Sometimes, my writerly daydreaming takes over my brain, and I end up wandering into unintended places (physical places).  That’s what happened earlier today.  I was deep in a fantasy about interdimensional robo-fights when I suddenly realized I’d somehow meandered into a nearby Container Store.  One of my go-to choices for picking up Soccer Moms. And…

Saint Momo here.  You probably haven’t heard of me, but I’ve got the street cred:  visions, clash with corrupt clergy-folk, mid-tier miracles (transubstantiation, bilocation, laying on of hands, etc. etc.), harrowing torture, then a relaxing vacation in the Eternal Beyond.  I lived as a beret-wearing newsie in the early twentieth century, back when tommy guns,…

I’ve built corporate empires, destroyed third-world nations both overtly and covertly, and ordered the assassination of countless whistleblowers and good-hearted activists. That’s right.  I’m the trillionaire mogul you’ve never heard of:  Thatcher Van Aldershire. I’m currently on vacation (when am I not, is the question?) at an unnamed island with my fellow Bilderbergers.  The caviar…

The After-Being!  A post-life stretch of blissful eternity where all my desires are instantly made real!  I romp amongst legions of soccer moms, making pew pew noises each time I bust!  They accept my idiocy with easy laughter; this is the After-Being, after all!  Neither my juvenile humor nor my stinky seed elicit a violent…

“What do you think, McGruff?  This wasn’t one of us.” My gray-tailed partner sticks his paws in his trench coat and eyes the pile of turds with undisguised suspicion.  “No it wasn’t, Labrador Wayne,” he growls.  “We Big Dogs are well trained.  We follow the Code.  This was someone else.  Someone with no morals or…

THE NOT-SPACE:  A REALM WHERE UP IS DOWN, BLACK IS WHITE.  HERE, IN THE REACHES OF FORMLESS ANTI-NESS, DISCARDED BEINGS WANDER FOREVER, DOOMED TO AN ETERNITY OF MEANINGLESS VOID. HOW I—KENT WAYNE, SCI FI AUTHOR AND PERENNIAL MAN WHORE—HAVE ARRIVED IN NOT-SPACE IS A SHORT AND PREDICTABLE STORY…   Oh no!  I made sex with…

SOMEWHERE IN THE EXOSPHERE, WITHIN A HIGH-FLYING CRAFT THAT WOULD BLOW OUR FUCKING MINDS… [It is time.] I telepathically project to my world-conquering brethren.  [We Annunaki have stood by for eons, watching our future homeworld swell and ripen.  Today we will swarm those unevolved simians, and feast on their psyches with utter abandon!  Hail Ecthidi!]…

Oh no!  Unbeknownst to me, I’ve been part of a cult for several years!  It all started when I walked into Spiritual Sal’s:  a shady little setup in a dingy strip mall.  He roped me in with promises of Enlightenment and extra large, pepperoni n’ olives pizza.  While I was maowing down on some delicious…