Oh no! Unbeknownst to me, I’ve been part of a cult for several years! It all started when I walked into Spiritual Sal’s: a shady little setup in a dingy strip mall. He roped me in with promises of Enlightenment and extra large, pepperoni n’ olives pizza. While I was maowing down on some delicious cheesy slices, Sal promised us “da muddafuckin’ time of ya muddafuckin’ life.” I thought nothing of it until our latest meeting, where he demanded I sign over my assets as well as my gigantic, pendulous nuts. I tried to slink out as rabid newcomers chopped off their bro-varies, but Sal spotted me and ordered his minions to relieve me of my spunk-bunker.
“NO!” I scream, hurdling over a table before six of his guys bring me to the ground. “YOU CAN’T HAVE THEM! SOCCER MOMS LOVE IT WHEN I PULL THEM OUT AND PRETEND I GOT GUM ON MY PANTS! I ALSO LOVE PULLING THE SACK OVER MY MEAT AND MAKING IT LOOK LIKE A RIBBITING BULLFROG!”
No dice. One of them produces a gleaming knife.
Fuck it. No options left. So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Hot-ass Soccer Co-Mom-dos flood the room, toting the latest assortment of tacti-cool gear. They push the cult back with double taps and throat-chops. Two of them escort me out the door, firing and maneuvering in seamless tandem with their badass teammates.
“GET YOUR GORGEOUS DICK IN OUR DOUBLE-PARKED SUV!” One of them yells in my ear. “YOU’RE OURS NOW, MAN WHORE!”
I run out the door and do as they say, a mile-wide grin plastered across my face. HEH heh heh!
Have you been suckered into a toxic organization that wants to deprive you of your hairy necessaries? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜