SOMEWHERE IN THE EXOSPHERE, WITHIN A HIGH-FLYING CRAFT THAT WOULD BLOW OUR FUCKING MINDS…
[It is time.] I telepathically project to my world-conquering brethren. [We Annunaki have stood by for eons, watching our future homeworld swell and ripen. Today we will swarm those unevolved simians, and feast on their psyches with utter abandon! Hail Ecthidi!]
THOUSANDS OF MILES BELOW, IN THE SPERM-COATED CONFINES OF KENT WAYNE’S STUDIO…
Yet another beautiful day in sunny San Francisco! Time for me (sci fi author and perennial Man Whore, if ya haven’t heard) to get going! But first…I wonder if they’ve posted any new scenes on MyFriendsHotMom dot com…
My eyes slide toward my laptop.
NO! Got stuff to do! First things first—tie my knee-length womb-hammer around my thigh, so it doesn’t scare anyone into a sudden heart attack, or turn any soccer moms into cock-fixated sex-zombies. (Gotta admit—that one has its upsides). Slip on my shoes, step outside, and—
MEGAN FOX’S MAMMS! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
Alien saucers are swooping down on screaming San Franciscans. Helmet-tipped tendrils extend from the bottom of the craft, one helmet for each person. Whenever a human is within a foot of the headgear, it begins glowing and vibrating. The unfortunate soul beneath it freezes in place, then spasms and jerks as if he or she was being tased. Blue-green mist streams up from their domes into the helmets, then they turn gray and abruptly collapse.
Holy Scheisse! They’re stealing peoples’ souls! Don’t ask me how I know, I just do!
And then it hits me—I can save them. I have a weapon that can create and destroy universes, never mind a fleet of techno-superior, alien fuckholes.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Suddenly, my Playlist of Shame trumpets through the air. All the pansy-ass songs that I habitually listen to while I’m jacking steel (due to the number of plates and my manly grunts, nearby bros think I’m listening to Metallica or hardcore gangsta rap, but oh how wrong they be) T Swift, Mandy Moore, Christina, Mariah, and (dare I say it? Hanson? *cringey, please-don’t-hit-me smile*) blasts through the skies, hitting the unsuspecting aliens with the worst music to ever emerge from a human suckhole. Even the Earthlings—who’ve been inoculated against my playlist’s evil through prior exposure to top 40s bullshit—screech in pain. Blood bursts from their noses and mouths.
But for the aliens, the sonic assault is nothing short of catastrophic. Their saucers fill with gallons of vomit and mountains of shit. The craft veer erratically. Soon, they all retreat in utter defeat, laid low by my disgusting taste in music. Earth is saved! Huzzah!
Then one of the people I’ve just saved looks angrily around. “What the FUCK were we just listening to???”
Uh-oh. Time to beat feet and embrace my new existence: that of Kent Wayne, Musical Fugitive!
HEH heh heh! OH HO HO! HEE hee hee!
Has your homeworld been targeted by spacefaring dickholes? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜