Tag: humor

Kent Wayne’s brain clocks in at over a billion thoughts per second. Most of that is porn, but that’s besides the point—his nogger-bonk is working at top freakin’ speed, doing its damndest to churn out stories and sharpen every literary tool at his psyche’s disposal.  But every so often, it goes kaput.  And that makes…

“Gather ’round, dickslingers of all ages.  I dispense my wisdom to all Man Whores—past, present, and future.”  The hoary old man beckons to us with wizened arms, inviting us all to sit closer.  Clooney, Gosling, Efron, and myself bring it in. Firelight reflects off his rheumy, ancient eyes.  “You have all come so far in…

No one is stronger than Grammar Nazi—NO one! I raise my red-ink club high above my head, drinking in the adulation of the roaring coliseum as my fifth opponent of the day—an author-warrior, just like the rest—kneels before me, blood trickling from his eyes and his ears. “Mercy,” he whispers, extending a hand out toward…

I wake from my slumber, only to see an unending stream of trendy bullshit flowing across my vision.  The latest offerings from overly ironic comedies, Kim Kardashian-style reality shows…. I clutch my head and scream in agony.  “NYAAAAAHHHH!!!!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME???” A few feet to my right, a pair of douche-bros do…

“You ever seen it?”  Firelight shone off the Beta Male’s eyes. “I haven’t.”  His companion shook his head, trying to suppress a shudder.  He didn’t quite succeed. “They say that a soccer mom can orgasm just by looking at it,” a third one murmured.  “We were once a proud people…” A fourth one buried his…

“CHOW DOWN, KENT!”  The demon pit lord screams, cracking his nine tailed whip above my head.  “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A SOCCER-MOM SEDUCING DEVIANT WHEN YOU WERE STILL ALIVE BACK ON EARTH!  HOLY SATAN DO I LOVE MY JOB!” I stare dubiously at the steaming bowl of dook they’ve placed in front…

I run my hands frantically across a series of neurokinetic relays, desperately trying to maintain control of the Host Body.  Don’t fucking do it, Kent­.  Don’t— Ah, Christ.  I slap the top of my forehead with my squidgy little palm, wincing in disgust as Kent Wayne (the Host Body) picks a giant boogey out from…

My lower lip trembles.  My right eye wells with a tear, threatening to spill over and wet my cheek. I’m staring down at my two-years-in-a-row, Didn’t-Pee-Your-Pants Coin.  On one side, it’s got Billy Madison (ironic, I know—he’s the one who said: “Peein’ your pants is the COOLEST thing to do!”) giving me a cheese-eating grin,…

There’s damn few downsides to having a handlebar mustache.  If you’ve got the confidence (and panty-dropping smile) to pull it off, it’s a goddamn game-changer.  And yes, the rumors are true—it does in fact add several inches onto your penis.  When I’m not tying it around my thigh, I tuck it into my sock.  Holy…

Hm.  Just finished my first day at a real job. It’s not that bad—sure it’s in an office (and if you add in commuting, it’s more like a ten or eleven hour job instead of eight and a half hours), but it pays the bills.  I’m pretty sure it won’t last forever…something better will eventually…