There’s damn few downsides to having a handlebar mustache. If you’ve got the confidence (and panty-dropping smile) to pull it off, it’s a goddamn game-changer. And yes, the rumors are true—it does in fact add several inches onto your penis. When I’m not tying it around my thigh, I tuck it into my sock. Holy bejeezus, I’m telling you guys, you should definitely—
“ON THE GROUND, FUCKER! HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!”
Huh? I look around and spot a pair of police choppers climbing the horizon, painting me in the glow of their halogen floodlights. Squad cars scream up to the curb and kitted-up officer bust out the doors, taking a knee behind the windows and leveling M4 rifles right at my chest.
“ON THE GROUND, YOU MUSTACHED DEVIANT!”
Deviant? What the fuck are they—
Then I see it. Across the street: a public school. Oh no.
I’ve wandered into its five-hundred yard periphery.
I raise both hands and drop to my knees. “AH GOD I’M SORRY, I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION!” I scream. “DON’T SEND ME TO PRISON–I’VE ONLY EXPERIMENTED WITH FINGERS, NOTHING BIGGER! I’M NOT READY FOR A PROLAPSE-INDUCING ASS-POUNDING!”
A handful of cops scamper up to me. Five keep their rifles trained, while one snaps open a set of cuffs and snarls, “Shut the FUCK up!” Then he turns to his superior. “Whaddaya think L.T? Should we let him go?”
The lieutenant stares at him for a long, hanging moment. Then all six cops bust out in giant belly laughter. Tears stream down their faces as they nearly shit themselves.
“AHAHAHA!” the lieutenant bends over and slaps his thigh. “AHAHAHA! LET HIM GO! OH THAT’S GOOD! THAT’S RICH!”
His counterpart slings his rifle behind him, then draws his pistol. “Right,” he chuckles. “I’ll put one in his face-hole and we can be on our way.”
Holy shit—they’re gonna KILL ME! No options left, so I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Every Soccer Mom whose womb I’ve widened comes running toward me. Mother of fuck—they’re pouring out of windows, out of cars, some are even lifting up manholes and crawling up from the sewer.
There’s HUNDREDS of them!
“Holster your guns, officers.” Soccer Mom Prime comes striding toward me, steel flashing through her beautiful eyes. “This man has given us countless orgasms. His preference in older women is well documented. Not only that—he consistently shits on Edward from Twilight for being a hundred-year old pedo who targets dumbass high-schoolers, a fact that society-at-large seems to have conveniently overlooked. You’ve got the wrong guy.”
“Really?” The lieutenant scratches his temple. “He’s fucked ALL of you?”
A chorus of nods.
“Well,” he lowers his rifle. “Guess we were wrong.” He offers his hand and helps me up. “Wanna go HAM on some weed and mushrooms? Our evidence locker is stuffed to the gills.”
“DO I?” I jump to my feet sporting a mile-wide smile. “Bring them shits ON!”
“We’re coming too.” Soccer moms all around me start unbuttoning their blouses.
And that, my friends, was the prelude to the happiest day of my goddamn life.
Have you accidentally been mistaken for the same kind of bottom-crawler as Edward Cullen? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization.
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜