Hm. Just finished my first day at a real job.
It’s not that bad—sure it’s in an office (and if you add in commuting, it’s more like a ten or eleven hour job instead of eight and a half hours), but it pays the bills. I’m pretty sure it won’t last forever…something better will eventually present itself…
TWENTY YEARS LATER:
Where oh where are my GODDAMN BALLS? All that’s left is a wrinkly sack of empty skin. It’s like someone stapled a goddamn potato sack to my untoned thighs. In the last five years, I’ve produced one sperm, maybe two… my hairline’s receded so far back I look like Friar Fucking Tuck. My torso has turned into a pale, unassuming blob, and my penis has shrunk into a vestigial shadow of its former self.
Mother of God—WHAT HAVE I BECOME????
My boss walks into my gray-walled cubicle, flashing me a bright, false smile.
“How you doing, Kent? Say—do you mind staying an extra half-hour today? We’re behind on some reports, and we could really use the extra help.”
NO NO NO! GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A VENOMOUS SNAKE!
“Sure thing,” I hear my traitorous mouth say. “How ‘bout I stay an extra hour instead? I’d really like to show you guys I’m a team player.”
“That’s the spirit!” Her smile gets brighter and falser. “Just remember—we’re over budget, so keep it on the down-low because we can’t pay you overtime.”
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. That’s what I think, but I hear myself say: “Psshh—please! I jump at the chance to demonstrate my loyalty!”
“Right! So do I!” For a second, her lower lip trembles, then she crams a hand into her purse, withdraws a giant fistful of Venlafaxine, and crams it into her mouth. Her eyes bulge and unfocus as she maows down on the best antidepressants her psychiatrist has to offer.
I try to hide a wince, but I only partially succeed.
“Okay,” she gulps the last one and turns away. “I’ll be in my office.”
I turn back to my computer, doing my best not to cry. What the fuck…this can’t be it.
Only one option left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
At the same time blood and nutrients pour back into the dead piece of meat hanging between my legs, my hair grows back and a robotic velociraptor busts through the wall. It turns its red-glowing eyes toward me and intones:
“My name is Grimstroke. Climb on my back, Kent Wayne. Let’s get you laid and get you a sword. Jesus Christ you’re a full-grown man—you should have a goddamn sword.”
I don’t know whether to scream with triumph or cry with joy as I leap atop Grimstroke’s back. As we go charging through rows of cubicles, I throw both arms back, brandishing my middle fingers at the soul-sucking travesty that passes for a modern-day workplace. HI-YO FREAKIN’ CUNTPUNTER!
Have you toiled away in a gray-walled hell, and wondered what the fuck happened to your once-beautiful genitals? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜