Musings, Volume 1

I wake from my slumber, only to see an unending stream of trendy bullshit flowing across my vision.  The latest offerings from overly ironic comedies, Kim Kardashian-style reality shows….

I clutch my head and scream in agony.  “NYAAAAAHHHH!!!!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME???”

A few feet to my right, a pair of douche-bros do a faux-gangsta handshake, hugging each other close and clapping each other on the back.  They bump chests and affirm their dominance with a few grunts of, “tha’s wha’s up,” as well as some cliche-as-fuck, sports-related victory slogans.

The lead douche-bro walks up to me, hands behind his back.  His smile couldn’t get any wider—not unless he was dosed with Joker-grade Smilex.

“We’ve rewired your neurons, Kent.  You’re now one of us.  A douche-bro.”

“Wait.”  My eyes flick back and forth in panicked tics.  “I’ve just graduated college.  That means I’ll be doomed to a slow death within a cubicle, stuck with a wife who’s getting pounded by her tennis trainer while I’m still at work…ungrateful brats who express their rebellion by posting pictures of their pierced genitals and refusing to smile…”

I was wrong—his grin CAN get wider.  “That’s right.  You threatened to seduce our moms with your handsome mug and ridiculously thick wiener.  Now you reap the whirlwind, cocksnack.”

“FUCK YOU!” I scream.  A bunch of his compatriots rush to my side, ready to hold me down and beat my ass.

No options left.  I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Musings, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

The douche-bros’ mothers—all Soccer Moms of the highest caliber—burst into the room, grabbing my junk and stuffing a medium-rare ribeye down my gobble-noms.  Two of them begin making out with me, while a third one reaches into my pants and tries some butt-stuff.  Their avid lust instantly breaks the douche-bros’ programming.

“HEY!” I yell, slapping her hand away.  “Not on the first date!”

Meanwhile, the douche-bros burst into tears.  One word emerges from their horror-stricken mouths, first in disbelief, then in terror, and then in anguish:

“Mom?  Mom!  MOMMM!!!!”

HEH heh heh!  Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

 

 

Have you been spirited away by trend-following sheep?  Have they rewired your nogger-bonk in an attempt to serve their evil aims?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  And last but not least, here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

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