I wake from my slumber, only to see an unending stream of trendy bullshit flowing across my vision. The latest offerings from overly ironic comedies, Kim Kardashian-style reality shows….
I clutch my head and scream in agony. “NYAAAAAHHHH!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME???”
A few feet to my right, a pair of douche-bros do a faux-gangsta handshake, hugging each other close and clapping each other on the back. They bump chests and affirm their dominance with a few grunts of, “tha’s wha’s up,” as well as some cliche-as-fuck, sports-related victory slogans.
The lead douche-bro walks up to me, hands behind his back. His smile couldn’t get any wider—not unless he was dosed with Joker-grade Smilex.
“We’ve rewired your neurons, Kent. You’re now one of us. A douche-bro.”
“Wait.” My eyes flick back and forth in panicked tics. “I’ve just graduated college. That means I’ll be doomed to a slow death within a cubicle, stuck with a wife who’s getting pounded by her tennis trainer while I’m still at work…ungrateful brats who express their rebellion by posting pictures of their pierced genitals and refusing to smile…”
I was wrong—his grin CAN get wider. “That’s right. You threatened to seduce our moms with your handsome mug and ridiculously thick wiener. Now you reap the whirlwind, cocksnack.”
“FUCK YOU!” I scream. A bunch of his compatriots rush to my side, ready to hold me down and beat my ass.
No options left. I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Musings, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The douche-bros’ mothers—all Soccer Moms of the highest caliber—burst into the room, grabbing my junk and stuffing a medium-rare ribeye down my gobble-noms. Two of them begin making out with me, while a third one reaches into my pants and tries some butt-stuff. Their avid lust instantly breaks the douche-bros’ programming.
“HEY!” I yell, slapping her hand away. “Not on the first date!”
Meanwhile, the douche-bros burst into tears. One word emerges from their horror-stricken mouths, first in disbelief, then in terror, and then in anguish:
“Mom? Mom! MOMMM!!!!”
HEH heh heh! Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Have you been spirited away by trend-following sheep? Have they rewired your nogger-bonk in an attempt to serve their evil aims? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! And last but not least, here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization 🙂 🙂 😀
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