Kent Wayne’s brain clocks in at over a billion thoughts per second.
Most of that is porn, but that’s besides the point—his nogger-bonk is working at top freakin’ speed, doing its damndest to churn out stories and sharpen every literary tool at his psyche’s disposal. But every so often, it goes kaput. And that makes my job into a living fucking hell.
My name is True Hamster. Instead of a prefrontal cortex, Kent has me—a rodent on a wheel.
LET US TAKE A LOOK AT A DAY IN THE LIFE OF TRUE HAMSTER…
I churn furiously away with my nubby little legs, trying to make Kent’s brain go-go-GO! It’s no use—he was never that smart to begin with, and each time he pops a disgustingly large boner, a piece of his brain shrivels up and dies. There’s not enough blood to support his neural demands and also fill up that massive battering ram he’s packing between his legs. Jesus Christ, you could use that thing as the main wall in a hydroelectric dam.
As he starts to pop a hardon, neurons blow left and right, showering my fur in a blanket of sparks. FUCK that hurts! Tiny fires start up and down the length of my body, but I can’t stop to put them out; I’m the only thing that keeps this shitshow up and running. But if I don’t do something soon, I’m gonna burn to fuckin’ death…
I reach over to Kent’s neural dashboard and flip a switch, directing his mind to his science fiction epic Echo, and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A bevy of alarms begin shutting off, one by one. Kent’s mind—now obsessed with pew pew and cyborg soldiers—directs his mouth to unleash one word in a triumphant, earth-shattering roar:
Kent’s boner subsides and wilts, overtaken by his asinine love of all things robot. I breathe a sigh of relief and take a moment to unclip a fire extinguisher and douse myself in a stream of retardant. Now that Kent’s wiener has gone to sleep, the demand for energy has been cut by 99%. I can spend a few seconds setting things straight.
Until the next boner.
Fuck my life.
Are you an intrepid little rodent who’s trying to keep your dumbass human from burning out? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜