Tag: humor

HOLY FUCKING HELL! I’ve been calling dozens of pizza parlors, searching for a decent NY slice, and they’ve all said the same damn thing: “We only serve Chicago deep dish.” AHHHHHHH!!!!  WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Due to my trembling fingers and blurry bitch-tears, it takes me five tries to dial Whole Foods.  I ask to be…

Snergles, Mergles, Yergles…what’s the difference, what’s the difference…Hmmm…. I stare blankly at my thick, dusty tome, and blow out a resigned sigh.  I’m a second-year student at Rasputin’s Academy for Budding Mages, and thus far, all of this stuff is absolute bullshit.  I mean, why the fuck would anyone want to ride a magic broom? …

“Yargopolips NogBog.” Roo?  I cock my furry Labrador head, staring at Irma Horfendorff in cute-dog befuddlement. She leans in and wags her finger at me.  “BliggoPiggo LugWeebleNeebs.” Arf?  My head stays cocked. Then she puts on a witch’s hat, brandishes a magic wand, and exclaims, “MAN-O-MY-LIFE…APPEAR!!!” My spine begins lengthening; my back paws widen and…

“MOLOCH THE OWL GOD DEMANDS YOUR CHILDREN, MUAHAHAHA!!!  AHAHAHAHAHA!!!” The blood-red skies crackle with thunder.  A terrifying figure circles above, casting a spread-winged shadow across the ground.  I’m running through the streets with hundreds of others, screaming my motherfucking head off:  “EEEE!  EEEE!  EEEE!”  (I’m not proud of it, but if I start to panic,…

Black clouds scar the horizon.  Insect-headed birds circle beneath them, piercing the air with their shrill, piercing caws.  Hundreds of feet below, rocky cliffs mar the landscape.  Eight-legged predators crawl across their faces—they look like ten-foot long, rapacious salamanders.  No eyes, a whip-like tail with a barb at the end, and a grinning, fanged mouth.…

Oprah holds my book up and beams at the camera.  “So this is my new obsession, Kent Wayne’s New York Times Bestseller:  ‘Much Obliged, Motherfucker.’  And right now, I have Kent here with us, who’s going to tell us all about it.”  She turns to me and gestures with an open hand.  “Go ahead, Kent.”…

I hold hands with Soccer Mom Prime, walking down the sunny boardwalks of beautiful Sausalito.  The lap of water mingles with the chatter of tourists—chic sightseers who’s inherent obnoxiousness is canceled out by the bright sunny sky, the gently rolling waves, and the happy dogs walking up and down next to the quaint little stores.…

Try to imagine yourself from a universal perspective.  A tiny little meatling that couldn’t survive in most regions of the known universe…the solar system, space, other planets (hell, most of the Earth—most of our mud ball is a vast swath of ocean).  A tiny little meatling that apparently evolved from a somewhat-understood expansion of energy…